Off to See the World

These days we are all slowly hobbling along, looking for ways to fill our days and lessen the ache and longing for our old life back. Lately we've kept busy catching up on many things that have been neglected around here for so long. We've done the rounds of maintenance appointments for everyone...optomotrist, doctor, dentist (this one needed a couple of rounds), othodontist (yes, both kids are going to need this), H1N1 shots, and all the puppy shots. And now it's time to get away for a bit.

For a couple of months now we've been making some plans. We've all been feeling the desire to escape, and when thinking about where we should go, the answer was obvious. Back to Disney, which holds so many fond memories for us. And back to visit Give Kids the World...to see Noah's new paving stone, to find his star, to ride the carousel and remember him. It has given the kids something to focus on and look forward to and something for me to fill my time obsessively planning. So in a few days we are off to see the world.


Now that it is upon us, I have very mixed emotions. It has been difficult to try and pack for the four of us, and have absolutely no idea how to even begin without a million medical supplies. And to book our dining reservations for a family of four, instead of five. So why go back to a place that holds so many memories? I'm not sure...all I know is that my heart does not want to be anywhere that Noah is not. It desires to be surrounded by him, and very few places hold as many happy memories for our family as Disney. After such an emotional trip in February, I expect that this one will be even more so. But I am hoping and praying that there will be more smiles than sorrow...more happy tears than sad. A time to remember and also to make new memories.

The Ugly Monster

Anger...

It has a way of creeping up out of nowhere and rearing it's ugly head. Every grief book I've read and every website I've visited talks about anger. And yet, no one likes to talk about it. In my head I know that most of my anger is unfounded, but it seems I can still find many things to be angry about lately...

Anger at the hospital...things I wish had been done differently during those last few days. For all the time in Toronto...putting Noah through that major surgery, only to have him die two weeks after we get home. It all just seems like such a waste.

Anger at the system...at the speech therapist who called the other day to begin therapy with Noah...something I had been fighting for years to get and could never make any headway. Or for the letter we opened last week from the geneticist at Sick Kids, requesting further bloodwork on Noah.

Anger at myself...for not being a perfect mother...for making mistakes.

Anger at those around me...for calling...for not calling...for trying to "fix" me...or not saying anything at all...for being able to move forward, while I am stuck in the past.

And yes, anger at God...for allowing this all to happen...for not stepping in and saving the day after all my pleading...for not answering the "why's". For the unfairness of it all...

I appreciate these words from The Compassionate Friends website which helps me put things into perspective...

"Anger is but one of many emotional reactions to the painful reality of death. It is important to recognize anger as a natural, human response. If we can allow ourselves to be aggravated, irritated, even angered, by relatively minor life disappointments, we are certainly entitled to feel angry when faced with one of life's most devastating experiences — the death of a child. Anger is not chosen, however, whether to remain angry, to refuse to surrender it or to resolve it ....is a choice."

It's a nasty emotion...this ugly monster...

I don't choose anger...but still it finds me.

I can see how easy it would be to allow myself to drown in it for awhile...to remain in that place. Thankfully, the moments of intense anger are fleeting, and end up overpowered by huge waves of grief, leaving a great empty sadness in it's wake.

Hold My Heart

"...One tear in the driving rain,

One voice in a sea of pain

Could the maker of the stars

Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life, that's all I am

Right now I can barely stand

If You're everything You say You are

Would You come close and hold my heart..."

Tenth Avenue North

Hold My Heart

Halloween

Another holiday usually spent in hospital...

It is still so odd to be home for all of these things...to know there is not an ER visit lurking around the corner. As frustrating as it was to spend so many of these moments away from home, it pales in comparison to this...this gaping hole left by our little Tigger this year. So many of our precious memories are wrapped up in the hospital. And days like this, I find myself missing the place and the people who worked so hard to help us make wonderful memories there.

And so we try our best to make new memories...but we all feel the longing for the part of us that will always be missing...Our special "Tigger" pumpkin...