11 Months

11 months...

Summer has kind of creeped up on me out of nowhere. I'm finding it to be a really difficult time of year. We are surrounded by signs of new life, warmth and sunshine. It's a time of year I have always loved. But this year, it brings with it so many reminders...the canola fields in full bloom...a stab to my heart as I remember those fields, surrounding us in their beauty on the day we buried our son.

I am not exactly sure what to do with this all. The memories are both comforting and haunting, triggered by the smallest of things, at the strangest of moments. As much as I want to remember my boy all the time, to have him close to me always, I find that I must push these memories aside in order to get through the day. It becomes a constant battle in my mind. In time, I hope to be able to make some sort of peace with the memories.

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An Ugly Pair of Shoes

10 Months...

What can I say that hasn't already been said...

Exactly one year ago, I was frantically preparing to leave for Toronto. Our time in Toronto is so closely tied to that last week we spent with Noah. In my mind, it will always feel like the beginning of the end. So there are many memories attached to this month.

At the beginning of the month, we attended the Children's Hospital Memorial service. It was beautifully done and it was so nice to see some familiar faces that we have missed terribly. We were given this poem that has become a favorite of mine and helps put into words this journey of losing a child.


I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think of how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author Unknown

Thank you to our wonderful friends for the amazing dinner yesterday evening. Thank you for remembering this day.

Mothers Day

What to do with this holiday...a holiday that celebrates motherhood...where everywhere you look, there are reminders of what can no longer be.


This holiday has kind of creeped up on me, but now that it is here, I can't help feeling so very lost and so very, very empty.

In my googling last night, I came across this interesting tidbit..."in the US, Mother’s Day started with a proclamation written by Julia Ward Howe. She called for a gathering of women to mourn the sons killed in the civil war and protest the futility of “their sons killing the sons of other mothers”. It wasn’t until 1962 that it became the hallmark celebration of commercialization that we have today." Somehow it made me feel better to read this...to know that this very commercialized holiday began like this...with mothers, like myself, gathering together, mourning the loss of their sons. I appreciate that it has grown into a day to honour mothers, but a day such as this also brings with it much sorrow to so many of us.


Today, I think of my own mother. I am so very thankful for her and for the support she has been to us all during these past years. I love you Mom!!


I think of my friends, and the wonderful mothers that I am privileged to know, and how I often marvel at their "supermom" skills.


But most of all today, I think of those who, like myself, woke up this morning unsure of what to do with this day...with the bittersweet experience of celebrating motherhood with their children...yet at the same time, mourning the loss of being able to mother all of our children here on earth.


I miss my little Noah...


I miss being known as "Noah's mom"...


I miss everything that being Noah's mom encompassed.


I hate that I am no longer able to do the job of mothering my boy here on earth, but in my heart, I will always be "Noah's mom". And no one can ever take that away from me.


So on this day, when it just plain hurts to do anything else, I will choose not to focus on what could have been. Instead, I choose to focus on the incredible gift I was given in mothering this beautiful child. I marvel that I was chosen for this task, and I would do it all again in a heartbeat...for that's just what mom's do. And I mourn for those who will never in their lifetime experience a joy such as our Noah.

9 Months

9 months...
9 months we waited for our son...from the moment we knew of his existence on this earth, to his birth.

Now, 9 months has passed since his soul left this earth...

On the outside I think I look like I am doing ok. I have taken on a new job recently, a job which hits very close to home and emotionally is tough...but I can't imagine a place I would enjoy more and it is the perfect job for me in every way. I have also taken up running again...this has become my therapy. But on the inside, I am still so very fragile...one moment I will be ok, feeling like I am strong enough to handle this...the very next moment I am blindsided by a scent, a sound, a memory that I had pushed aside.

The rest of the family is keeping themselves busy as well and we are all finding ways to fill the days. Kailyn still struggles with sleeping issues, but they are slowly improving with time. On a side note: to the person who is responsible for the delivery of a single white rose to Brad's office on the 29th of each month, thank you!! We do not know who you are, but the gesture is so appreciated!!

Dancing With The Angels

Memories surround me
But sadness has found me
I’d do anything for more time
Never before has someone meant more
And I can’t get you out of my mind

There is so much that I don’t understand
But I know

You’re dancing with the angels
Walking in new life
You’re dancing with the angels
Heaven fills your eyes
Now that you’re dancing with the angels

You had love for your family
Love for all people
Love for the Father, and Son
Your heart will be heard
In you unspoken words
Through generations to come

There is so much that I don’t understand
But I know

You're dancing with the angels

Walking in new life

You're dancing with the angels

Heaven fills your eyes

Now that you're dancing with the angels

We’re only here for such a short time
So I’m gonna stand up
Shout out
And sing Hallelujah
One day I’ll see you again

I will be dancing with the angels

Walking in new life

I'm dancing with the angels

Heaven will fill our eyes

When we're dancing with the angels

When we're dancing with the angels

Monk & Neagle ~ Dancing with the Angels

Easter 2010

We spent the Easter weekend away, attending a wedding...a beautiful way to celebrate a holiday fill of hope and promise. Another holiday "first" behind us. I wish I knew what to do with this huge void...this empty space in our lives...in everything we do. I will never get used to this...nor would I want to... Wishing we could be celebrating with you, Noah.

8 Months

8 months later and it is still so fresh...so raw. I desperately miss my joy, my sunshine...

Grief is a tidal wave that over takes you,
smashes down upon you with unimaginable force,
sweeps you up into its darkness,
where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces,
only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped...
Grief will make a new person out of you,
if it doesn't kill you in the making.
Stephanie Ericsson I have become quite skilled at putting on the mask. But inside I am still tumbling and crashing...

Held

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
We'd be held

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This is what it means to be held.....

Natalie Grant ~ Held

7 Months

I thought this month perhaps I might feel different...no 29 on the calendar to throw me off. We were able to spend the weekend with friends in Vegas where I was able to laugh like I haven't laughed in a very long time. Definately a good thing. And yet, still it hits me like a ton of bricks, leaving me reeling. I find myself back in that PICU room all over again...feels as if it were yesterday. I ache for my boy...

Don't be mad if I cry

It just hurts so bad sometimes

'Cause everyday it's sinking in

And I have to say goodbye all over again

You know I bet it feels good

To have the weight of this world

Off your shoulders now

I'm dreaming of the day

When I'm finally there with you

Save a place for me, save a place for me

I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

Save a place for me, save some grace for me

I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

I have asked the questions why

But I guess the answer's for another time

So instead I'll pray with every tear

And be thankful for the time I had you here

So you just, save a place for me, save a place for me

I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

Save a place for me, save some grace for me

I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

I wanna live my life just like you did

And make the most of my time just like you did

And I wanna make my home up in the sky

Just like you did, oh, but until I get there

Until I get there

Just save a place for me, save a place for me

'Cause I will be there soon

Save a place for me, save a place for me

I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

Don't be mad if I cry

It just hurts so bad

Matthew West - Save A Place for Me