3 Years

Remembering today...and everyday. It is hard to wrap my head around the fact that it's been 3 years. Seems like only yesterday, and yet so long ago all at the same time.

My little Noah...you continue to be my inspiration to have the courage to step out of my comfort zone and make a difference. How very blessed I am to have had you in my life. Miss you so very much.

Watch Out Florida...Here We Come!

Our US visas have been officially approved!! We are excited to begin preparing for a move to Florida in mid August and look forward to devoting our time to Give Kids The World. The move will be bittersweet as we leave behind so many wonderful friends and family, and so many precious memories in this place. But we are ready for this change and look forward to making a difference. Next big hurdle is selling our home, and looking for a new home, but we continue to trust in Him for all the details. Noah, you have inspired us to dream big and have the courage to make those dreams a reality. Because of you we will live life to the fullest with no regrets. This is for you my sunny boy!!

Mothers Day 2012

Mothers day will always be a difficult day. There is just no getting around it. I miss my Noah each and every day, but today is especially tough. When everything is focused on the relationships between mothers and their children, I am even more aware of everything that this day, or any other day, can never be.

Thank you to my wonderful hubby for putting together this beautiful video for me today...



Longing for my son...

"All I know is I'm not home yet.
This is not where I belong.

Take this world and give me Jesus.

This is not where I belong."

Easter...a holiday filled with such hope and promise always brings me to tears. The little white basket sits empty...another holiday without Noah. I miss him so very much...my heart aches to hold him...to see him one more time. The longing can be so overwhelming. But the promise of the cross fills me with hope.

This life is fleeting...temporary...One day I will be home.

I can hardly wait...

Cherished

This has been a difficult post to write, as I am having trouble putting into words what this means to me. Once again, our Noah has been honored in a very special way, by people who mean more to me than they will ever know.Very recently a beautiful new space opened up at the Assiniboine Park, called the Qualico Family Centre. There is a pathway in front of the centre, where memory stones could be purchased.The staff of CH5 thoughtfully purchased a stone in memory of Noah...

One word...cherished...We are so touched by this very special gift. Words cannot express how it warms my heart to know that Noah was loved by the staff that came to mean so much to us.

Thank you CH5!! Thank you for this wonderful gift. Thank you for treating our family like your family. Thank you for caring for me and helping me through many lonely days and nights. Thank you for caring for our Noah so well.

Thank you for cherishing our son.

Blessed

It's been a long time since I've posted here. Life has been busy and full. And lately, I no longer seem to know what to write here. My grief has become much more private. That doesn't mean that I don't still grieve. I still grieve...I will live the rest of my life grieving. Not a day goes by where I don't think about Noah, and how I desperately wish he was still here on earth with us. No matter how much "simpler" our lives may be now, or how much freedom we have to do the things we've always wanted to do, I would give it all up for one more smile...one more cuddle. It helps to know that others still care...that his legacy lives on today. This past week, our family was blessed with a most incredible gift. A couple of months ago, an online scrapbooking group called the Mousescrappers contacted me. They had been touched by Noah's story, and wanted to make a digital scrapbook of our wishtrip to help us preserve those precious memories. Of course, I was very excited and eagerly said "yes", so they worked with me to gather all our pictures and help me journal and organize our memories. Over 40 people worked on this project and somehow they turned our precious memories into something amazing!! It ended up turning into such a huge project, that the group made us 2 books as they could not fit it all into one. Needless to say, the books turned out FABULOUS!!! They are so much more than I ever imagined they would be and we are so thrilled with them! I wish I could put into words what this means to me. I can never thank them enough for tackling this project that I was too overwhelmed to ever attempt to do myself. Thank you so much Mousescrappers!! You are all so incredibly talented and this means more to us than you will ever know! I am so thankful to have our memories preserved in such a beautiful way. We have had such a great time going through the books and reliving those precious moments together. I can't wait to show the books off to everyone!!

Six

Somehow summer has disappeared and fall has quietly crept up on me, bringing with it this day once again. 6 years ago today we were given a most precious gift and I will always look on this day with bittersweet memories. It occurred to me today that we have now marked as many birthdays without Noah as we did with him here on earth. Which means that one day very soon we will have spent more days grieving than he lived. I wonder how time can be so harsh...

My little man, I miss you so much and I would give everything to have you here. I will never forget the moment you were born...my heart overflowed with awe and joy. You were beautiful and perfect to me in every way. I was so proud to be your mom.

We sent you balloons today. One blue balloon slipped away as we were getting ready to release them. With disappointment we watched it fly to the heavens, and I couldn't help but think of how your life slipped away so quickly, no matter how I tried to hang on. My selfish heart wants you here with me...I will always long for the life I had with you. But I know you are enjoying a celebration far beyond what I could ever imagine. Happy Birthday precious boy.

Love your mama.

Life Changes

Much has been happening in our lives these days. We spent a wonderful 2 weeks down in Florida. We were able to do some volunteering again at Give Kids The World, which we loved! And Kailyn was able to deliver all of the items she has been collecting to donate. (More to come about that in another post). After our time spent there, we met my sister and her family in Disney and spent a fabulous 9 days at the parks together. We will be heading back down there in November to do some more volunteering and this time try a short Disney cruise. Yes we love that place, but there is more to the story... For some time now, we have been feeling unsettled. Our lives have felt in this "limbo state" for so long and we feel like there is more that we need to be doing. Noah has inspired us to step out of our comfort zone and give back...to make our lives count for something and leave a legacy we can be proud of. After much thought and prayer...many nights of wondering...and waiting on God for guidance, we have come to a major life decision. And since it went public in the paper here on Friday, it is time that I share it here too...

http://www.gktw.org/news/press/09-08-2011-volunteer-moves-to-help-gktw.asp

http://www.winnipegfreepress.com/breakingnews/family-to-volunteer-at-resort-where-son-got-wish-129938973.html

So many wonderful memories are tied up in GKTW. Our hearts will always be a part of that place. There is much that will still need to fall into place for this vision of ours to become a reality, so the articles may be a bit premature. It is exciting and terrifying all at the same time, and we really don't know how, when or even if it will all fall into place. But the paperwork ball is very slowly rolling and we are trusting in His perfect plan and guidance in all of this. I have much more to share about Kailyn and the passion and generous heart she has developed for GKTW, but I will save that for another day, for that deserves a post dedicated just to her. Noah, your life had a purpose and your legacy lives on. I can only hope to live my life with even half of the courage we saw in you. You are my inspiration. Missing you...



Don't forget to read my last blog post and consider donating to the Children's Wish Foundation Walk for Wishes.

Walk For Wishes

In spring of 2009, Noah was granted a very special wish through the Children's Wish Foundation. Our family was able to spend a wonderful week at Disney World where Noah met his favorite character, Tigger. The Wish Foundation gave us this opportunity to create memories which we will cherish always. Now it is time to give back again...

On Oct 1, 2011, our family will be participating in the Wishmaker Walk for Wishes for the 2nd year, in support of The Children's Wish Foundation of Canada. We had a fantastic time last year with family and friends and are excited to walk again this year. Thousands of Canadians in over one hundred communities will gather together to help create the magic of a wish for children with high-risk, life threatening illnesses. These children are coping with things most of us can only imagine and the wishes they receive provide a ray of hope during a difficult time. The Children’s Wish Foundation of Canada has never refused an eligible child and has granted almost 15,000 wishes! Wish requests continue to increase and they are currently providing 3 wishes a day! I hope you will once again join me and help to create the magic of a wish by supporting my efforts in the Wishmaker Walk for Wishes.

To sponsor me online, just follow this link http://my.e2rm.com/personalPage.aspx?registrationID=1175575 and access my secure fundraising page. You can help The Foundation even more by spreading the word about this exciting event! To encourage others to participate or to sponsor me please pass my website address along. It's easy; just paste the above link into an email. Join us on Oct 1, 2011! Visit The Children’s Wish Foundation website and learn more about how you can create the magic of a wish!

Thanks for your generous support!

This Is Now

From the heart of a bereaved Mother... This is now
by Unknown

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Easter.

Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party...yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.

Normal is staring at every child who looks like he is my child's age. And then thinking of the age he would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and his birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my child loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my child.

Normal is making sure that others remember him.

Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.

Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.

Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my child is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy children were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have three children or two, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my child is in heaven. And yet when you say you have two children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your child.

Normal is avoiding McDonald's and Burger King playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them.

Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.

Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".