Saturday, January 29, 2011

18 Months

It's been exactly 18 months since I held my boy. 1 and 1/2 years...it seems absolutely unbelievable to look at those numbers. How is it even possible that I have lived that long without him????


Some people still ask once in a while how we are doing. Other's have stopped asking altogether...assuming I guess that we must be "over it" by now. Although we will never, ever be "over it", in many ways we are doing "ok". Somehow life does go on...


Brad no longer has to play "Mr Mom" at home and keep the household running. This has given him much more time to devote to his business, which in turn has helped it grow tremendously. Although he misses Noah so much, he loves to share Noah's story with everyone he meets.


Kailyn has struggled with sleep issues since Noah's death. She was spending every night in our room during the first few months. Gradually the nights have improved, and she is able to sleep through the night in her own room. She did decide to claim the room on the main floor that was meant to be Noah's room. It is still decorated with many "Noah" touches and she is much happier there. She still has some pretty emotional days where she falls apart, but for the most part she has adjusted well.


Joshua has never shown much outward emotion or grief. But I know he processes things in his own way and every so often out of the blue, he'll sigh and say "I miss Noah." He still prays faithfully each and every night that Noah will have a good time in heaven.


As for myself...my life has completely changed. I have been back at work for about a year now. I did take a different nursing position with home care as I really needed a fresh start and my job is really a perfect fit for me right now. I have time that I never had before....time to take care of myself, to exercise, to eat right, to spend time with friends, to enjoy my other kids, to travel, to sleep through the night. It has taken me a long time to figure out how to live a "normal" life. As strange as that may sound, I really had forgotten how to do that. I am still in the process of learning how to live this new life. It's one day at a time.

Slowly, I have sorted through Noah's things, giving some away and storing or displaying the most treasured ones. We sent boxes of medical supplies to Romania to be used by a missionary couple. My mom made a beautiful quilt with some of our favorite items of clothing that we snuggle up with on the couch. But the crib still remains in our room. I don't know why that is the one thing I have been unable to tackle, but there is a comfort in having it there. There have been many days where I have felt ready to take it down, but both Brad & I just never seem to be able to get around to doing it. Perhaps it is the huge gaping space it will leave there, or perhaps it is just one last reminder that our lives are completely changed. And so for now it will continue to sit there for as long as we need it to.


The waves of grief still hit me...some days just as intense as if I was back in that ICU room...some days it still takes all my willpower to get out of bed. All I can do is ride them out, knowing that when the wave subsides, I will be able to laugh and enjoy myself...until the next one hits. I long for my old life back. I long to be eating crappy hospital food...to wake up with an aching back from sleeping yet another night on those hospital chairs...to be stuck in that hospital room thinking I just might go crazy watching baby einstein for the millionth time...to be woken multiple times a night from beeping pumps...to fall asleep to the gentle rise and fall of the oxygen concentrator. I miss planning my day around Noah's TPN schedule and meds. I miss the people who loved and cared for my son. I miss the craziness of our life with Noah. I just really, really miss my son.


A year and a half without my sunny boy.


A year and a half closer to seeing him again...

16 comments:

Kelsie-Lynn said...

I still think of and pray for you and your family. We never met the children we lost but we know the grief never goes away.

Kim said...

Thank you for sharing your life/journey with us Nichole. I can only imagine how you must miss Noah. 18 months - feels like such a long time ago, but also feels like yesterday. I know I will never forget that day and the incredible sadness I felt...sadness I have never experienced. Sadness for the lose of a precious child, who captured everyone with his beautiful smile and twinkly eyes. Missing you always, my little bean...
Nichole - know that you, your family and your loss are not forgotten by me, you are loved, cared for and prayed for...everyday!

Ramona said...

Nichole, you're so real and your emotions are written so raw. It makes me want to take you way back in time to the days we were little and we'd write poetry under the trees in the scraper or we would play barbies and create problems in their make believe world... But at the same time, I would sooner take you back to where your heart wants to go- to be with your precious little Noah. And then I see how far God has carried you and know that He isn't done with you and your family yet. Little Noah has touched so many lives and one day you will hold him in your arms and see the big picture. And until you get to that day, when you can hardly breath from the pain of grief or see through those tears that creep up unexpectedly, know that many of us continue to pray for you and your family.
Ramona

Patty said...

Nichole,

There is no rush in taking down the crib...take all the time you need. We just passed the 12 month mark, it's still so hard to understand how life just goes on. I'm thankful that you and your family are all walking on this journey together, even if it is at different paces.

I think of your precious boy often and his amazing smile that lit up a room.

Leanne said...

I'm shedding tears for you this evening, I know that sounds crazy, me a complete stranger. But I just thought I would let you know that a complete stranger is saying a prayer for you and remembering your sweet boy still.

The A Team said...

Thank you for sharing, Nichole. I always enjoy your posts..I loved the last sentence..so true:)

Hilda said...

It's hard to believe it's been so long. Just the other day Elijah was asking me about Noah and we talked about what a special boy he is. Thank you for continuing to share your thoughts and emotions. Please know that you are deeply cared for.

Alison said...

Nichole: I was thinking about your family and thought I'd check to see if you had posted n your blog lately. You express your emotions so well...and my heart aches for all of you. Please know that you are in my heart and prayers.
Alison (aka twinmum)

Linda said...

I cried when I read this. I pray for peace and joy to permeate you even through the grief. (((hugs)))

Kerri Kincaid said...

God bless you, Nichole. Praying for you this morning. I stumbled accross your blog (haven't been blog lurking a lot lately) and was so touched by your honesty and emotions. I am so glad you have a place to vent and be real when the world expects you to pick up and "get over it". Glad you know it is ok to not be "over it" yet. Healing comes in all shapes and sizes and in many differnt seasons. praying for you, Brad, and the kids for a touch from Jesus today.
Love,
Kerri
(Ramona's little sister!)

Jolene said...

I think of you so often and wonder how you're doing. I don't expect you to be 'finished' grieving or 'over-it' ever. Noah will always be a part of your lives, and feeling/experiencing the emotion that comes with the loss involves some sort of bravery and strength. Thank you for sharing, Nichole.

Anonymous said...

Noah will NEVER be forgotten by me, I promise you that. I never met you or him but that beautiful smile stays with me. I look forward to the day that I can hug him and your family in heaven and rejoice at seeing you all together.
Love, love, love
Kristie (sept 05 mommies group)

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing.
Noah will not be forgotten.
He was such a trooper and what a joy it will be when we see him in Heaven.
People still ask me how Noah's Mom and family are doing. It reminds me of how Noah's life had an impact on so many people.
Keep focused on Jesus as you conti ue your journey here. Love, Auntie Hilda

Anonymous said...

I haven't checked your blog for awhile, but want you to know that a day doesn't go by, where we don't pray for all of you in this journey of grief. We have had so many oportunities here to share Noah's story, and just yesterday, we had a meeting here with the new facilitator and once again, we were able to share the joy he brought to everyone. I know that the corner where the crib sits will seem very empty when it is gone, but I pray that in HIS grace, God will fill that empty place with his presence. We love you so much, you continue to be an inspiration to me........mom

Maroo said...

I just want you to know that I thought of you guys often this past week in Disney. I gave Tigger two hugs - one for Noah and one from me. Lisa has my ringbone as Tigger bouncing because she thinks it fits me (and it probably does), but when I hear it I think of you guys and say a prayer for all of you. So glad things are continuing to improve for all of you.

:). Maroo

Jules and Danny said...

Nichole, we continue to pray for your dear Noah in Heaven every night. I think of him often and can only imagine how you must miss him.