Tuesday, December 29, 2009

5 Months

5 months today...

Wishing it wasn't so...

Sunday, December 27, 2009


Another first...

Christmas without Noah...

What can I say...

Unfortunately, we do not have many good Christmas memories with Noah. Most of the holidays were spent either in hospital, or things were heading in that direction. By the time New Years rolled around, we were always inpatient. The holidays have been stressful times over the past few years, last year being the worst. And so this year we can be thankful...thankful that Noah does not need to lie in an ICU bed for Christmas...that he is free to celebrate...what could be better than Christmas in heaven??

And yet, selfishly, I desperately long to be sitting in that ICU room...I would give up a thousand more Christmases...for then our boy would still be alive. Everything we do without Noah feels hollow and empty. I imagine it will always be that way...as a part of me will forever be missing on this earth.

Merry Christmas my sweet boy. I miss you so much...everyday.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Back to the Deep Freeze

We have been back home for a few days now. Our trip went well, and despite the strangeness of it all, we had a good time. So many reminders there of Noah...the little ukulele in Ron Jon surf shop that I so desperately wished I had a reason to buy...meeting Tigger at breakfast...riding the carousel...Christmas at GKTW...watching Wishes fireworks...the list is endless. But we made many new memories...did alot of things we were unable to do last time...enjoyed the sun, the ocean, the food, and the infectious happiness that is Disney...very bittersweet. It really was a nice break from everything, which made it tough to come back...not only to the winter cold, but back to reality...back to our empty home...back to all the reminders of what we no longer have.
Since coming home we've been very busy...thrown right into the Christmas season with concerts, parties and now frantic last minute shopping. Busy enough that I have not had much of a chance to think about what Christmas will be like this year. But the reminders are constant...one less stocking to hang...the train set that sits in our garage, which I had already bought for Noah...no worries about spending another Christmas in hospital, but wishing more than anything that we were there. Thank you to the girls in our small group who have showered me with some fun gifts and an encouraging card for each day of this difficult month. Thank you so much for your support and for recognizing how tough this time of year would be.

Thursday, December 03, 2009

4 Months

It was 4 months on Sunday.

We were able to spend the day at GKTW...tracked down Noah's star, rode the carousel and enjoyed their Candyland party. Unfortunately his paving stone was not done yet, which was disappointing...but another excuse to come back again! It felt a bit out of place being at GKTW...like we were no longer part of the "sick kids club". And I couldn't help but feel so very jealous of all those families who still had their children to enjoy.

Our days spent at the ocean were wonderfully relaxing. There is just something about the ocean that is so peaceful and healing. I could stay there for a very long time. We are now in the World, enjoying the Caribbean Beach resort which is beautiful and eating a ridiculous amount of food on the free dining plan. We are enjoying ourselves and spend many moments talking about the things Noah loved or would have loved here in Disney. There are difficult moments of course...a million reminders each day of how different our lives are now...things are far too simple. But there are happy times too and I am so glad that we came.