Friday, July 29, 2011

Two Years

Thank you to those who have remembered our Noah and our family today. The flowers, cookie bouquet and emails were very appreciated and brightened our day.

I have been struggling for a while about what to post here today, as we mark two years of life without Noah. Some days it still completely takes my breath away to think that he is really gone for the rest of my life here. Even after two years the pain is still so present. Time has given salve to the wounds, but they are still there and still so very deep. Many days I need to work to block the memories out, or they can completely overwhelm me. I pick my moments to remember when I can...when I feel strong enough. But sometimes the memories come out of nowhere and still completely take my breath away. With time I am slowly learning how to navigate through those moments.

Today marks two years since the worst day of our lives...the day that changed everything. Every moment of that one day is seared into my memory. I will never forget the fear and terror of the morning as we stood by helplessly, watching the PICU team do everything they could to try and save our son. Or that early afternoon when we knew that everything had been tried and there was nothing more to do but let go...watching his heartbeat disappear on the monitor...the weight of Noah and the coolness of his skin as I held his lifeless body...the stunning rainbow in the sky on that surreal drive home from the hospital.
Once again we have been at a bit of a loss as to what to do to mark this day. It doesn't seem right to crawl back into bed, or to simply go about our normal routines. Somehow the day must still be acknowledged. Although today is a reminder of sadness and loss for us, for Noah, it marks a day of rejoicing and freedom...his heavenly birthday. and we can't even begin to imagine the celebration he is having!! I am convinced that he is enjoying all the fabulous goodies that he never tasted on earth (with the yumminess factor infinitely multiplied of course!). So today we chose to celebrate with food and fun, just as Noah would want it. The kids spent the day at day camp and Brad and I enjoyed a lovely breakfast out at Cora's. After day camp, we had a fun family evening out at the movies, topped off with a yummy birthday cake. A visit to Noah's grave with some time to share a few memories completed our evening.

Oh my precious little boy...I would give anything to turn back time for just one more smile. Missing you today and every day. Who knew that such a little man could change so many lives. Today we celebrate your life. A life lived with so much courage and are my inspiration to be a better person.

Always and forever your "mama".

Till we meet again...

Till we meet again...