Halloween

Another holiday usually spent in hospital...

It is still so odd to be home for all of these things...to know there is not an ER visit lurking around the corner. As frustrating as it was to spend so many of these moments away from home, it pales in comparison to this...this gaping hole left by our little Tigger this year. So many of our precious memories are wrapped up in the hospital. And days like this, I find myself missing the place and the people who worked so hard to help us make wonderful memories there.

And so we try our best to make new memories...but we all feel the longing for the part of us that will always be missing...Our special "Tigger" pumpkin...

3 Months

I still have absolutely no idea how to live without my boy.

I miss him more each day.

And yet time marches on...

God's Garden

God looked around his garden
And found an empty place
He then looked down upon the earth
And saw your tired face.
He knew that you were suffering
He knew you were in pain
He knew that you would never
Get well on earth again.
He saw the road was getting rough
And the hills were hard to climb.
So he closed your weary eyelids
And whispered ‘Peace be Thine’.
He put his arms around you
And lifted you to rest.
God’s garden must be beautiful
He always takes the best.
It broke our hearts to loose you
But you didn’t go alone,
For part of us went with you
That day God called you home.
Anonymous

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is upon us...

...a holiday that we always seemed to spend within the walls of the hospital. For that reason, we have not really had much Thanksgiving celebration for years. And so it feels very strange to be at home today. This year we have decided to lay low once again and opt out of the traditional Thanksgiving activities.


I have to admit, I am having a difficult time mustering up a thankful heart this year.

It is hard to be thankful when all that surrounds me are reminders everything I no longer have. It is much easier to feel bitterness, anger and self pity.

But I am trying...


I know that today is not about feeling thankful...rather it is about a choice I have. A choice that does not come easy...a choice that must be made over and over again.


But with God's grace, and through the tears, I am reminded of all the blessings my Heavenly Father has given me. I have a wonderful husband, some very special friends, two amazing children here on earth, and I was blessed to be Noah's earthly mother, even if for only a short time...blessed with so many beautiful memories to treasure. And for that, I can be thankful.

The soul would have no rainbow if the eyes had no tears.

John Vance Cheney

Noah, did you know I needed to see this yesterday??

Normal

Strange, how in the eyes of those who do not know, our family now looks so "normal" on the outside.

I feel anything but normal...

I'm beginning to think our society has this grief thing all wrong. The first few days of grief is so public. Then the funeral is over and everyone goes home and gets back to their own lives. The cards, phone calls and visits become fewer and fewer. And somehow we are expected to pick up the pieces and begin to move on from this place.

But loss changes a person. I am different...forever changed. And I have yet to know what to do with that.

I am beginning to understand why other cultures wear mourning clothes, or noticable items to identify themselves as a bereaved person. The importance of showing others that you have suffered a great loss makes a great deal of sense. Some wear their grief for months...sometimes years. It must make it easier to enter back into society, knowing that there is no need to hide your loss. That everyone knows just with once glance how very fragile you are...that you are a long ways from "normal". And that you can easily identify with others who are also suffering their own losses.

Despite how simple it now is, leaving the comfort of home is difficult these days. Strange to have nothing to pack up...no appointments, meds, feeds or TPN to plan around. Strange to be out in public and not have the looks or the questions...no strangers drawn to us by Noah's contagious smiles. The normalacy of it all screams in my ears...oh how I miss it!

Two Months

Time is now measured by the weeks and months since Noah's death...

It's been two months...I am still so very, very lost.

I miss you Noah.

Small Talk

Small talk...

I hate it.

Lately it seems like such a waste of time and I am no longer very good at those types of social situations. Putting on the mask, and pretending to care about nothing...when all that consumes my mind is Noah.

Last week, while making the obligatory small talk with a stranger, the question came up..."How many children do you have?"

I knew that would come up sooner or later. But, wow...I was definately not prepared for it. My heart dropped and I stumbled over my words, not knowing what to say. Do I say 2? Or do I say 3 and leave it at that? There really is no answer that sounds right. In the end, I said 2, but it was difficult to say anything else after that.

Afterwards, I couldn't stop thinking about it...how terribly wrong that sounded...how guilty I felt for saying it. And how much I wanted to blurt out that I had 3 children, and my son just recently died. How much I wanted her to know how her very innocent question had hurt me.

What a conversation killer that would have been.

I hate small talk.

Four

Noah would have been four today.

Four years.

The first of many birthdays we will celebrate without him.

If it hadn't been for the incessant whining of the puppy to be let out, and the need to get the kids on the bus, I would have pulled the blankets over my head and slept until Tuesday. In some ways, today is as bad as I had imagined. In other ways, it's just another day, in an endless stream of painful, lonely days.

I have been writing this blog in my head for days...wondering what I could possibly write on this day that would describe the vast array of emotions...the empty aching arms...the endless longing to be celebrating with our son today.

There really are no words.

Four years ago today, we welcomed our son into this world, knowing that time was a precious commodity with Noah. What a miraculous day that was! His tiny, fragile body struggled from day 1 and we worried and wondered. If we had known on that day, that we would have almost 4 years with Noah, we probably would have rejoiced. Now we know that 4 years was not nearly enough time. That those years would be gone in the blink of an eye...and we'd be left behind in this state of bewilderment, wondering how this could have possibly happened.
And so we struggled with what to do with today. How do you begin to acknowledge this day...the day that marks the first day we met our son. For it still needs to be remembered and celebrated.

In the end, we opted for a pretty low key day. After school, we went out to the cemetery. Although I had hoped to stay there longer, the weather did not cooperate. How fitting though, that it was a dreary, drizzly day. It would have felt very wrong if the sun had shone today. We each wrote Noah a special birthday message, attached them to four balloons and released them to heaven...

We left four more balloons behind...


...then went out to dinner for some family time.

Happy birthday, dear Noah. We miss you so much today...and everyday. How we wish you were here. We miss your beautiful smile...your infectious giggle....your unconditional love...your exuberant embracement of life. We take comfort in knowing that you are celebrating with the angels today...able to actually EAT your birthday cake! One day we WILL celebrate with you again.

We love you Noah...

Over the Rainbow

Rainbows have become very special to us...

The evening we drove home from the hospital after Noah died, there was a beautiful rainbow in the sky. It felt like a sign...a special message from Noah. I so wish we had stopped to take a picture...but our minds were just not in that place at that moment.

Later that evening, Nicole (one of Noah's home care nurses) stopped by and mentioned seeing the rainbow as well. In fact, I think her exact comment was "Noah, you little bugger, you're playing with us already!" A couple of weeks ago, Nicole showed up with this beautiful gift for us. It took me a while to find a home for it, but now that it is in the flower garden, right by our front door, we are so happy with it.
Thank you so very much, Nicole. This is such a meaningful gift...the perfect memorial for Noah. We are all in awe of the fantastic job you did...we love it!!

"Somewhere, over the rainbow,

Way up high.

There's a land that I heard of

Once in a lullaby.

Somewhere, over the rainbow,

Skies are blue.

And the dreams that you dare to dream

Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star

And wake up where the clouds are far

Behind me.

Where troubles melt like lemon drops,

Away above the chimney tops.

That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere, over the rainbow,

Bluebirds fly.

Birds fly over the rainbow,

Why then - oh, why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly

Beyond the rainbow,

Why, oh, why can't I?"