Four

Noah would have been four today.

Four years.

The first of many birthdays we will celebrate without him.

If it hadn't been for the incessant whining of the puppy to be let out, and the need to get the kids on the bus, I would have pulled the blankets over my head and slept until Tuesday. In some ways, today is as bad as I had imagined. In other ways, it's just another day, in an endless stream of painful, lonely days.

I have been writing this blog in my head for days...wondering what I could possibly write on this day that would describe the vast array of emotions...the empty aching arms...the endless longing to be celebrating with our son today.

There really are no words.

Four years ago today, we welcomed our son into this world, knowing that time was a precious commodity with Noah. What a miraculous day that was! His tiny, fragile body struggled from day 1 and we worried and wondered. If we had known on that day, that we would have almost 4 years with Noah, we probably would have rejoiced. Now we know that 4 years was not nearly enough time. That those years would be gone in the blink of an eye...and we'd be left behind in this state of bewilderment, wondering how this could have possibly happened.
And so we struggled with what to do with today. How do you begin to acknowledge this day...the day that marks the first day we met our son. For it still needs to be remembered and celebrated.

In the end, we opted for a pretty low key day. After school, we went out to the cemetery. Although I had hoped to stay there longer, the weather did not cooperate. How fitting though, that it was a dreary, drizzly day. It would have felt very wrong if the sun had shone today. We each wrote Noah a special birthday message, attached them to four balloons and released them to heaven...

We left four more balloons behind...


...then went out to dinner for some family time.

Happy birthday, dear Noah. We miss you so much today...and everyday. How we wish you were here. We miss your beautiful smile...your infectious giggle....your unconditional love...your exuberant embracement of life. We take comfort in knowing that you are celebrating with the angels today...able to actually EAT your birthday cake! One day we WILL celebrate with you again.

We love you Noah...