Monday, September 21, 2009

Four

Noah would have been four today.

Four years.

The first of many birthdays we will celebrate without him.

If it hadn't been for the incessant whining of the puppy to be let out, and the need to get the kids on the bus, I would have pulled the blankets over my head and slept until Tuesday. In some ways, today is as bad as I had imagined. In other ways, it's just another day, in an endless stream of painful, lonely days.

I have been writing this blog in my head for days...wondering what I could possibly write on this day that would describe the vast array of emotions...the empty aching arms...the endless longing to be celebrating with our son today.

There really are no words.

Four years ago today, we welcomed our son into this world, knowing that time was a precious commodity with Noah. What a miraculous day that was! His tiny, fragile body struggled from day 1 and we worried and wondered. If we had known on that day, that we would have almost 4 years with Noah, we probably would have rejoiced. Now we know that 4 years was not nearly enough time. That those years would be gone in the blink of an eye...and we'd be left behind in this state of bewilderment, wondering how this could have possibly happened.
And so we struggled with what to do with today. How do you begin to acknowledge this day...the day that marks the first day we met our son. For it still needs to be remembered and celebrated.

In the end, we opted for a pretty low key day. After school, we went out to the cemetery. Although I had hoped to stay there longer, the weather did not cooperate. How fitting though, that it was a dreary, drizzly day. It would have felt very wrong if the sun had shone today. We each wrote Noah a special birthday message, attached them to four balloons and released them to heaven...



We left four more balloons behind...


...then went out to dinner for some family time.

Happy birthday, dear Noah. We miss you so much today...and everyday. How we wish you were here. We miss your beautiful smile...your infectious giggle....your unconditional love...your exuberant embracement of life. We take comfort in knowing that you are celebrating with the angels today...able to actually EAT your birthday cake! One day we WILL celebrate with you again.

We love you Noah...

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

I was thinking about you today, remembering Noah, and how we met him at the Hospital when he was born 4 years ago. Sending special prayers up to heaven for you today.
Erica

Anonymous said...

Nichole,
Thank you for sharing about your day. How very difficult it must be to mark this milestone, and so many others to come. We continue to hold you up in prayer ... may the Lord hold you close and carry you through each difficult day.
Heather

Just Breathe said...

I am so sorry for you sorrow.
How nice that you were able to go and let the balloons go with the notes attached. I am sure that Noah loved them. God Bless.

Maroo said...

Nichole - Thank you so much for sharing your life with us...

The balloons...Were beautiful.

I am so sorry for your sorrow. For these painful days.

God continues to touch hearts with Noah...

We love you and are praying for you guys every day...including today.

Jamie said...

happy birthday Noah - we miss you.

Kim said...

Thank you for sharing this special day with us...and for sharing Noah with us. We miss him so very much. Love to you all...

christie Tuttosi said...

Been thinking of you guys all day...today is my twin daughter's birthday too. I squeezed them just a little tighter...I bet Noah had a great party in Heaven today.
Thinking of you,
Christie

MouseTriper said...

I have been thinking about you and Noah all day today. I couldn't help but cry while reading your post this evening. I am so sorry for your pain. I love what you said about Noah celebrating with the angels today! Heaven surely was an extra happy place today!!!
Happy Birthday sweet Noah....that you for touching my heart so deeply!!

Beth

Sandie said...

Thinking of you on this very special day! Praying for your family as you walk through this journey...
hugs,
Sandie

laura.h said...

What a beautiful way to remember Noah. We love you guys and I was praying for you all today.
Laura

Trev and Rebekah said...

What a wonderful post and a great way to celebrate his life and birthday.

Trev and Rebekah said...

What a wonderful post and a great way to celebrate his life and birthday.

The A Team said...

Thank you for continuing to share in your journey. Happy Birthday, Sweet Noah! Saying prayers for you all tonight.

nicole said...

Wishing there was some way to bring you comfort. Loving you. Missing Noah. Praying.

The Keowns said...

i was thinking of you yesterday. Happy birthday little Noah. Cassidy brought a picture for her show and tell of Noah and they sang him happy birthday.

Ramona said...

Nichole & Brad,
I come here often, pray for you and every time I come to comment, I can't find the words... Your pain is so raw. Yet your love in the pain is so beautiful. These balloons with notes were a wonderful gift to Noah.
May God keep giving you the strength to crawl out from under the covers...
Ramona

Anonymous said...

So sorry for the pain, so happy for the memories. Life and death are not simple.
Still in my thoughts and prayers,
Myrna Dyck

Jules and Danny said...

What a difficult day! I am dreading our Frederick's birthday next month. I am so glad that you found a way to celebrate and remember. And I am glad that you had a reason to not bury your head until the next day.

You continue to be in our prayers!

Julia

Lisa said...

Your words are beautiful. I am sure that Noah is dancing with the angels and absolutely enjoying his birthday cake. What a darling way for all of you to celebrate his birthday. I love the balloons and even more the family time you spent afterwards. And good for you for getting out of bed, I cannot imagine how you coped with the day, but your spirit is strong and the strength around you will continue to carry you.
Be well, always in my thoughts,
Lisa :)

Anonymous said...

You are a wonderful, wonderful mom. Loving, caring, nurturing, faithful....on & on & on....
Happy Birthday to your beautiful Noah. God Bless you and your family!
*hugs*

kimmylaj said...

happy birthday in heaven noah

Verna said...

those little markers with the name of our loved one on it are what hits hard,
Noah is eating cake with Jesus! wow!!
I hope by now he has met our little grandson, Noah and that they are buds!

Anonymous said...

Dear Brad, Nichole, Kailyn and Josh,
I knew it would be a tough day and I know that many, many were praying.
What precious pics and a wonderful tribute to Noah. He is enjoying the balloons and I can hear him laugh.
I too rejoice with him that he is whole and able to eat his cake in heaven.
We continue to keep you in our prayers. Love Auntie Hilda

Janice said...

Happy Birthday Noah!!! I was very moved by your celebration with the balloons. How beautiful!! The last picture in this post made me cry. I pray for your family whenever God brings you to mind, which is often. What a missed little boy Noah is!!

XO