Small talk...
I hate it.
Lately it seems like such a waste of time and I am no longer very good at those types of social situations. Putting on the mask, and pretending to care about nothing...when all that consumes my mind is Noah.
Last week, while making the obligatory small talk with a stranger, the question came up..."How many children do you have?"
I knew that would come up sooner or later. But, wow...I was definately not prepared for it. My heart dropped and I stumbled over my words, not knowing what to say. Do I say 2? Or do I say 3 and leave it at that? There really is no answer that sounds right. In the end, I said 2, but it was difficult to say anything else after that.
Afterwards, I couldn't stop thinking about it...how terribly wrong that sounded...how guilty I felt for saying it. And how much I wanted to blurt out that I had 3 children, and my son just recently died. How much I wanted her to know how her very innocent question had hurt me.
What a conversation killer that would have been.
I hate small talk.
On September 21/05 we were blessed with a beautiful son. Born with a chromosome 12q deletion (q15q21.2), the challenges were many...cleft lip/palate, complex feeding issues, developmental delays, failure to thrive, multiple infections, blood clots, asthma, sleep apnea, GI and pulmonary bleeds, TPN dependency and kidney issues. Noah embraced life and taught us how to love. On July 29/09, Noah's journey ended, leaving us on a new journey...this journey on the pathway of grief...
About Me
- Nichole
- I am mom to 3 beautiful children. I also work casual as a nurse. Our life is a crazy one, and nothing like we ever expected it would be. Yet, this journey has changed me and the way I view others. And it has helped us slow down and enjoy the most precious things in life. I wouldn't trade those lessons for anything.
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19 comments:
My heart aches for you. Lifting you in prayer...
wishing there was some way we could shield you from these pointless and painful experiences. praying that we would know how to relate to you in a way that would NOT cause you additional pain.
I'm so sorry. ((HUGS))
Awww I am so very sorry Nichole. I can only imagine how that must have made you feel. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I'm so sorry!
Can I reassure you that you are definitely not responsible for how other people feel about and react to your loss. That's a burden you were not meant to bear.
Please don't put yourself under any pressure to navigate these situations "well". You are healing and it's OK to present the truth just as it is (or not, if you don't have the energy).
You and your family have been an inspiration to me and I have cried and rejoiced and prayed right along with you ever since I saw that cute little guy with the crazy hair in the PICU room next to our little Nicholas. May God bless you deeply in these next steps of Noah's journey.
Just a thought - maybe if you had said three but my son died recently - it could have been an opening for the other person into a deeper conversation that could have been healing for you or for that person - maybe they have also suffered the lost of someone near? Yes, too often it is just "small talk" but not always... so don't beat yourself up about what you do or don't say and don't "protect" others - they need to know where you are and maybe they have comfort for you? or weird as it may seen, you will give them comfort. You aren't alone nor are you the only one with such pain in this world.
I am so sorry. prayers are with you
Praying for daily strength just to get you through the "small talk".....I'm so sorry, I ache for you.
You are so brave - to be facing the world when things don't make sense at times. Know that Noah is watching over you and trying to guide you though this very hard time.
I know you aren't looking for answers from us strangers in what to write - but I will give you my 2 cents on this. You have 3 children Nicole - you will always have 3 children, no matter what - but don't feel like you ever have to explain anything about yourself children if you are not in the mood - there will be days that you don't want to talk about it and maybe some days you will - you can only take it one day at a time - you will only make it if you take it one day at a time.
Try not to be so hard on yourself, you are not going to know the answers to everything every single time - just listen for Noah.
Sandi - Sept Mommies
Yuck.
I still don't know how to answer that question, and it's been four years next month since we lost our son. Different people get different answers-depending on how much of yourself you want to give them. I feel guilty if I only say two, but if I say three, I have to explain, and I feel like I've ruined that person's day and made them sorry they asked. I don't think there is a right answer. You just have to do what feels right to you at the time.
The Father knows your every hurt. He sees your every tear. He feels your pain. He is your Redeemer, Healer and Friend. He knows, and He understands. I love you.
awww Nichole you will always always have 3. XOXO
One day at a time! You can get through these difficult times! Sending hugs and prayers your way!!
You have three children Nichole...two on this earth and one thriving in your heart and in Heaven. You don't have to explain anything, and if you feel like you do, God will give you the words. Still praying and loving you all.
Christie
You have three children. Somedays you may want to elaborate and somedays you have to say nothing at all. I have been reading your blog since it was linked with a friend of mines who reacently lost her little girl. If I ever asked that question and got the response three but one is walking with God. I would just do what would feel right at that moment... hug ect... I would never feel like anyone ruined my day or made me feel bad. Please be true to yourself say his name outloud! let people hear it! I will say a little prayer for and your wonderful family.
That is still such a hard question for me. My answer often depends on the day and my mood. Sometimes I give strangers the whole story and sometimes I just don't feel like it. Zeke was our oldest--our firstborn--so I DESPISE it when people ask me if Molly is our "first." I typically say something like "she's our only child right now," but sometimes I give total strangers an ear full. It's so hard. There are no right answers and I don't think it will ever be easy. Praying for you.
If I had been that stranger and you had said "3 children and my son just died" I would have told you about losing the person I love the most within the year. I would have said, 'I don't know your loss, but I do know loss.' I would have told you that I feel lost too. I would have said 'no one understands unless it's happened to them, and still no one understands because you're the only person who knew Noah the way you knew him.' I would have said I understand measuring days and dates and anniversaries. I understand how grief makes you crazy--normal, functioning people disintegrate. And I don't know if we'll get put back together again. And I don't even know if I want to be put back together.
Sometimes I wish more people talked about grief because for me it would be a conversation starter.
I lost my son 1 1/2 years ago, and when people ask me how many children I have, I say 3, one of them is with me in spirit.
It is difficult to respond to people when you have experienced such a monumental loss. You have to say what feels comfortable for you. Don't beat yourself up about it, you are suffering enough over the loss of your precious child. You know in your heart how much your child meant to you. It is difficult to talk about the loss of a child.
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