Anger...
It has a way of creeping up out of nowhere and rearing it's ugly head. Every grief book I've read and every website I've visited talks about anger. And yet, no one likes to talk about it. In my head I know that most of my anger is unfounded, but it seems I can still find many things to be angry about lately...
Anger at the hospital...things I wish had been done differently during those last few days. For all the time in Toronto...putting Noah through that major surgery, only to have him die two weeks after we get home. It all just seems like such a waste.
Anger at the system...at the speech therapist who called the other day to begin therapy with Noah...something I had been fighting for years to get and could never make any headway. Or for the letter we opened last week from the geneticist at Sick Kids, requesting further bloodwork on Noah.
Anger at myself...for not being a perfect mother...for making mistakes.
Anger at those around me...for calling...for not calling...for trying to "fix" me...or not saying anything at all...for being able to move forward, while I am stuck in the past.
And yes, anger at God...for allowing this all to happen...for not stepping in and saving the day after all my pleading...for not answering the "why's". For the unfairness of it all...
I appreciate these words from The Compassionate Friends website which helps me put things into perspective...
"Anger is but one of many emotional reactions to the painful reality of death. It is important to recognize anger as a natural, human response. If we can allow ourselves to be aggravated, irritated, even angered, by relatively minor life disappointments, we are certainly entitled to feel angry when faced with one of life's most devastating experiences — the death of a child. Anger is not chosen, however, whether to remain angry, to refuse to surrender it or to resolve it ....is a choice."
It's a nasty emotion...this ugly monster...
I don't choose anger...but still it finds me.
I can see how easy it would be to allow myself to drown in it for awhile...to remain in that place. Thankfully, the moments of intense anger are fleeting, and end up overpowered by huge waves of grief, leaving a great empty sadness in it's wake.
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11 comments:
No words for you today...just a very loving hug!
My heart aches for you Nicole. Just live in the moment, taking baby steps to heal.
May you find peace in your "ugly monster"
Nichole -
We love you guys. Praying for you every single day.
Many hugs! Mary
Praying that God can wrap His arms around you and keep you away from the temptation to get angry. I know it's a step towards healing but makes you very exhausted and weak.Praying that you'll be able to relish the precious moments you had given to you when even that looked hopeless while you were pregnant. You've just come from several years of 24-7 hour week of full concentration of Noah and the void is BIG. May God carry you through it. Psm 46:1
Prayers have gone up for you all...you know, sometimes it helps to get away. Maybe an escape and some one on one time with God. Fight it out, and then fall into His arms. Let the healing start...you are still so broken. Let Him start to heal your shattered heart. Although we've never met, know I am behind you.
praying for you always, Nichole, and for your whole family.
Erica
Big hugs and lots of prayers to you Nichole!!! I am so very sorry!
Beth (MouseTriper)
praying and hugs
For what ever reason today i decided to comment on your Blog!
I have read every post ,and choked back the apple in my throat when i have to , other times I read and cry , but I always read . I read because you make me a better parent in saying the things that others wont, in honesty that shows a side that only a spouse or super close family member might see. You make me better at my work, and as a husband. I too am mad. I am mad at ignorant people that suggest you are ready for what THEY might think you are ready for! The nerve! I am mad that people at hospitals cannot communicate and close a file or make a call to double check before sending an insensitive letter. I am really pissed that people have all the answers for you already and you just need to listen and everything will be fixed! know one but you , as an individual will be able to determine what, when , and how your feelings and emotions will change over time. And Maybe you wont know til you know ! so get mad , get happy, get sad, love, scream, be selfish, be loving, help , dont help, laugh, dont laugh, be energetic, be lazy,just please understand that I think your awesome , I dont have any answers other than your emotions are honest and true.What has happened is not fair, it really sucks swearword and I dont think you or any one deserves it and it is okay to feel this way. And If any body has a problem tell them to bleep , bleep bleep,and call me , cuzz they obviously have all the answers, and i need a few questions solved myself!
I just stumbled across your blog for the first time today. A dear friend lost her son to Leukemia this summer after waging an impossible battle for nearly a decade (Kyle Lindgren was diagnosed at the age of three). I am not certain how you are connected to parents in your situation, but my friend Denise would be of some help. Her page is: http://www.caringbridge.org/co/kylel/
Best to you and I will keep your family and Noah in my prayers.
Nichole~
Your emotions are so real. I stopped and prayed for something to say.
I don't have anything to say but God does.
This is the verse He gave me for you:
Psalm 18:6
In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.
XO
Janice
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