Friday, January 29, 2010

6 Months

Another day...another milestone...

Can it really be half a year since our world turned upside down?? Half a year sounds so long, yet often it feels like just yesterday that I held Noah, or heard his infectious giggle, or picked up the tupperware off the floor for the millionth time. I'm sure some days I still here Noah dragging his pumps across the floor.

A couple of weeks ago another boy we met at the Oley Conference lost his battle. I was able to attend his service online (thank God for the wonders of the internet). At the service someone talked about the image they had of that young man standing at heaven's gates, and dropping his backpack (his TPN backpack that was such a part of him), leaving it behind at the gate as he entered heaven. I love to think of Noah doing the same. Knowing that he no longer needs those things does bring some comfort. Kailyn decided there must be quite a pile of backpacks there already.

Someone asked me when the pain of this intense grief becomes manageable. It made me stop and think. And I realized that, yes, somewhere in this time, the pain has become more manageable. No, I don't miss him any less, the pain will always, always be there, and many days the aching of my empty arms is still so very intense. But I am slowly finding ways to put one foot in front of the put meaning to it begin to figure out how to live this new life without my son.


Kim said...

I miss him too. Praising God that you are taking it moment by moment. I love the image of backpacks at heaven's gates...along with oxygen tubing, central lines and medication bottles! Hugs to my Bean!

Linda (khalana) said...

That was so beautiful about all the backpacks... :) I am sure he is running around and doing all the things that were hard here on earth. I'm happy that you day you are managing, that is a wonderful thing. No, I don't think the pain will ever go away, he will always be the little boy missing, but it's good to know that God is walking with you through it all. ((hugs))

Anonymous said...

I have been able to share Noah's story here in Maui with so many already. I already have met others who have had similare journeys, and I am so amazed at what Noah's life accomplished here, but I agree with Kailyn. Noah has thrown off the backpack, and all those things that held him back from being truly free. He is alive and one day we will join him. mom

Mandy P said...

I can't read your posts without crying my eyes out. I can't imagine your pain, but I pray that God will lessen it a little more every day. My heart goes out to you and your family.

Amber Greenawalt said...

I feel the same way as Mandy. You continue to amaze and inspire me Nichole. I always seem to catch your blog posts just before going to bed, tears streaming down my face to my pillow. On these nights I fall asleep dreaming of your boy and all the angel children gone to soon from this earth but living in perfection with our savior. Tonight I will imagine them taking off their packs and tubes and wires walking free. So much love to you....

Alison (twinmum) said...

The image of the backpacks at the gates of Heaven is so precious - yes, Noah is playing joyfully. Our Mark tells us that sometimes in his dreams he is able to walk, and he wonders what it really feels like to be able to walk freely, with no walker or canes. He has told us, "I guess I'll know when I'm in Heaven, right?"

I know each day is hard, but it sounds as though you are slowly feeling more peace. Praise God for the comforts He gives you.

Thinking of you often,

llurgy said...

I dont think that I will ever read one of your posts without crying. I can feel your pain through your words.
You will never forget your precious boy, you will always miss him in your arms, but your are finding ways to deal with your loss and that is all you can hope for.
The Backpacks at the Gates of Heaven is such an heart wrenching but at the same time uplifting vision, seeing our babies leave behind all the medicines and survival gear to live in freedom in Heaven is heartwarming.


caitlyn said...

This post brought tears to my eyes for different reasons than any of your previous ones have.

Thank you for sharing every step of this journey so openly.

Christie Tuttosi said...

I am sure Noah is so proud of you Nichole. You know that he wants you to move ahead, and I am sure he looks forward to your reunion in Heaven. I look forward to meeting him as well. Blessings to you and your family, and thank you for continuing to involve us in your story.

Anonymous said...

I've Earned My Wings

I'm sorry mommy I left you so soon,
I was there when the angels woke you up at noon.
I know I was gone from the flash from the start,
Mommy Remember!
I'll always be in your heart.
I listen to you dearly, when you visit my grave.
Please don't cry, be sad. Continue to be brave.
I didn't mean to leave you and daddy so soon.
I was looking from heaven when everyone released their balloons.
Take care of my big brother, big sister, and daddy too.
There will always and forever be a part of me living in you.
I'll be waiting for you here, at the golden gate.
Time is ticking mommy, Please don't be late!
I long to embrace you in my arms.
Don't worry Mommy!
I'm at a place where there is no harm.
I've earned my wings. I live in the sky.
I'm watching everyday mommy so please don't cry

Nichole I know this is late but i thought of you guys when i read this.

Maroo said...

Nichole, I see so much progress. Even months later, we r still here for u. We love u! We r praying 4 u every day!

Hang in there!

Jamie said...

I can't believe it's been 6 months already. We think about you guys a lot and are praying for God's grace and peace to keep strengthening you day by day.

Anonymous said...


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