Two Months

Time is now measured by the weeks and months since Noah's death...

It's been two months...I am still so very, very lost.

I miss you Noah.

Small Talk

Small talk...

I hate it.

Lately it seems like such a waste of time and I am no longer very good at those types of social situations. Putting on the mask, and pretending to care about nothing...when all that consumes my mind is Noah.

Last week, while making the obligatory small talk with a stranger, the question came up..."How many children do you have?"

I knew that would come up sooner or later. But, wow...I was definately not prepared for it. My heart dropped and I stumbled over my words, not knowing what to say. Do I say 2? Or do I say 3 and leave it at that? There really is no answer that sounds right. In the end, I said 2, but it was difficult to say anything else after that.

Afterwards, I couldn't stop thinking about it...how terribly wrong that sounded...how guilty I felt for saying it. And how much I wanted to blurt out that I had 3 children, and my son just recently died. How much I wanted her to know how her very innocent question had hurt me.

What a conversation killer that would have been.

I hate small talk.

Four

Noah would have been four today.

Four years.

The first of many birthdays we will celebrate without him.

If it hadn't been for the incessant whining of the puppy to be let out, and the need to get the kids on the bus, I would have pulled the blankets over my head and slept until Tuesday. In some ways, today is as bad as I had imagined. In other ways, it's just another day, in an endless stream of painful, lonely days.

I have been writing this blog in my head for days...wondering what I could possibly write on this day that would describe the vast array of emotions...the empty aching arms...the endless longing to be celebrating with our son today.

There really are no words.

Four years ago today, we welcomed our son into this world, knowing that time was a precious commodity with Noah. What a miraculous day that was! His tiny, fragile body struggled from day 1 and we worried and wondered. If we had known on that day, that we would have almost 4 years with Noah, we probably would have rejoiced. Now we know that 4 years was not nearly enough time. That those years would be gone in the blink of an eye...and we'd be left behind in this state of bewilderment, wondering how this could have possibly happened.
And so we struggled with what to do with today. How do you begin to acknowledge this day...the day that marks the first day we met our son. For it still needs to be remembered and celebrated.

In the end, we opted for a pretty low key day. After school, we went out to the cemetery. Although I had hoped to stay there longer, the weather did not cooperate. How fitting though, that it was a dreary, drizzly day. It would have felt very wrong if the sun had shone today. We each wrote Noah a special birthday message, attached them to four balloons and released them to heaven...

We left four more balloons behind...


...then went out to dinner for some family time.

Happy birthday, dear Noah. We miss you so much today...and everyday. How we wish you were here. We miss your beautiful smile...your infectious giggle....your unconditional love...your exuberant embracement of life. We take comfort in knowing that you are celebrating with the angels today...able to actually EAT your birthday cake! One day we WILL celebrate with you again.

We love you Noah...

Over the Rainbow

Rainbows have become very special to us...

The evening we drove home from the hospital after Noah died, there was a beautiful rainbow in the sky. It felt like a sign...a special message from Noah. I so wish we had stopped to take a picture...but our minds were just not in that place at that moment.

Later that evening, Nicole (one of Noah's home care nurses) stopped by and mentioned seeing the rainbow as well. In fact, I think her exact comment was "Noah, you little bugger, you're playing with us already!" A couple of weeks ago, Nicole showed up with this beautiful gift for us. It took me a while to find a home for it, but now that it is in the flower garden, right by our front door, we are so happy with it.
Thank you so very much, Nicole. This is such a meaningful gift...the perfect memorial for Noah. We are all in awe of the fantastic job you did...we love it!!

"Somewhere, over the rainbow,

Way up high.

There's a land that I heard of

Once in a lullaby.

Somewhere, over the rainbow,

Skies are blue.

And the dreams that you dare to dream

Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star

And wake up where the clouds are far

Behind me.

Where troubles melt like lemon drops,

Away above the chimney tops.

That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere, over the rainbow,

Bluebirds fly.

Birds fly over the rainbow,

Why then - oh, why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly

Beyond the rainbow,

Why, oh, why can't I?"

Charlie

They say a puppy soothes the heart and soul...

We picked up Charlie on friday and already he has been very therapeutic for us all and is keeping us busy. The kids love having him to dote on. This never would have been possible with Noah, but I can't help imagining how much Noah would have loved this little guy and what fun they would have had!

It's been 7 weeks today...how is that even possible???

Lasts

I was reading someone's blog today...another mother who lost her special needs child. She writes about all the unrecognized lasts. All those everyday moments in the time I now think of as "before". I think alot about those moments too as I look back and wonder...if I had only known...

Spending that last week at the lake and not in a hospital room...what a blessing that was. Our last holiday together. We have many precious memories to treasure from those days.

Sunday...just finally being home for the first time in weeks...our last day at home as a family of five. Watching Baby Einstein...napping on Daddy's chest for the last time. Part of me wishes I had known. I would have spent less time doing laundry, preparing to go into hospital, and more time with Noah....grabbed a few more hugs...soaked up a few more smiles...gathered up a few more giggles to store away for today.

Sunday evening...hooking up Noah's TPN, going through our complicated evening routine, and tucking Noah in his crib...the last night we would fall asleep listening to his concentrator...the last night we would share a room with Noah.

Monday morning...dressing Noah in the last sleeper ever wore...settling him in his car seat for his last car ride as we made our way to the ER for the very last time. And later that morning, watching him take his last breaths on his own...hearing him cry for the last time, before he was intubated and the machine took over.

Tuesday morning...Noah wakes up, fighting to pull out his breathing tube. We all frantically race to sedate him again...the last time he looked at me...the last time I saw his eyes.

Wednesday...the frantic action of the end drawing near...a million machines...making that final decision for Noah...

Letting him go...

Then the sudden stillness and silence.

Holding Noah for the last time...and finally, forcing ourselves to let go of his body and walk out of PICU for the last time...without Noah...now a family of four...and the beginning of many painful firsts.

Those moments are so vivid...seared into my memory. Lasts that are only recognizable in the "after".

Beauty From Pain

The lights go out all around me

One last candle to keep out the night

And then the darkness surrounds me

I know I'm alive

But I feel like I died

And all that's left is to accept that it's over

My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made

I try to keep warm but I just grow colder

I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed

I still will remain

After I've cried my last

There'll be beauty from pain

Though it won't be today

Someday I'll hope again

And there'll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me

The best I can do is just get through the day

When life before is only a memory

I wonder why God lets me walk through this place

And though I can't understand why this happened

I know that I will when I look back someday

And see how you've brought beauty from ashes

And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed

I still will remain

After I've cried my last

There'll be beauty from pain

Though it won't be today

Someday I'll hope again

And there'll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am at the end of me

Trying to hold to what I can't see

I forgot how to hope

This night's been so long

I cling to your promise

There will be a dawn

After all this has passed

I still will remain

After I've cried my last

There'll be beauty from pain

Though it won't be today

Someday I'll hope again

And there'll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

~Beauty from Pain ~ Superchick