Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Normal

Strange, how in the eyes of those who do not know, our family now looks so "normal" on the outside.

I feel anything but normal...

I'm beginning to think our society has this grief thing all wrong. The first few days of grief is so public. Then the funeral is over and everyone goes home and gets back to their own lives. The cards, phone calls and visits become fewer and fewer. And somehow we are expected to pick up the pieces and begin to move on from this place.

But loss changes a person. I am different...forever changed. And I have yet to know what to do with that.

I am beginning to understand why other cultures wear mourning clothes, or noticable items to identify themselves as a bereaved person. The importance of showing others that you have suffered a great loss makes a great deal of sense. Some wear their grief for months...sometimes years. It must make it easier to enter back into society, knowing that there is no need to hide your loss. That everyone knows just with once glance how very fragile you are...that you are a long ways from "normal". And that you can easily identify with others who are also suffering their own losses.

Despite how simple it now is, leaving the comfort of home is difficult these days. Strange to have nothing to pack up...no appointments, meds, feeds or TPN to plan around. Strange to be out in public and not have the looks or the questions...no strangers drawn to us by Noah's contagious smiles. The normalacy of it all screams in my ears...oh how I miss it!

15 comments:

Kim said...

Praying for your fragile heart. May you find one moment in today of peace and comfort...love to you all...

Jules and Danny said...

Oh Nichole,
I hope that you continue to find this blog a place where you can step outside your house and know that all who share it with you know of your grief and will offer support and comfort and love.

I find that a year after we lost our son, I still feel like I at times say too much when someone asks about our story. People seem to get uncomfortable, but I still tell our story when someone asks. It will be harder some days than others.

We all continue to hold our children lost too soon in our hearts forever. Know that we continue to start every day by saying a prayer for Noah and your family.

Julia

nicole said...

we want more than anything to be able to comfort you. praying that we will find the words and actions to do that.
we love you.

Anonymous said...

It's hard to know what to say, when the loss will never leave and when you want to hold tight to all of the memories, which are so raw. I can't imagine, but if I tried, I would think that you feel broken on the inside as well as the outside - in yourself and within your family.

Still praying for you always,
Myrna Dyck

MouseTriper said...

Nichole, my prayers continue for you during this very difficult time. I am so sorry!

Lexi said...

Please know that I have been thinking about you and your family often. Grief is a strange thing and everyone copes with it differently. I cant say I know how you feel since I have never lost anyone close to me, but please please know that I am thinking and praying for your family everyday! Even though I never met Noah, he touched my life in so many ways!

Anonymous said...

Nichole,
It's never easy to lose someone in your family especially a young child.

I'm from the disboards and that's where I learned about Noah and his wish trip.

Last year was a hard one for me. My father's kidneys were failing and he had to go on dialysis. I stayed with my sister for 3 months so I could help my parents out taking them to doctor appointments and driving dad to the dialysis clinic. God worked it out that my sister was offered early retirement so she could take over dad's care. I went back to my own home.

I would talk everyday with mom and talk with dad sometimes to check on his progress. December last year, I got a call saying dad couldn't get out of bed and he was very weak. I was able to speak with him over the phone to say I love you one last time. He didn't want to go to the hospital but mom called 911 to have them take dad there. As a family, we knew dad's wish of not prolonging his life. He went home to be with the Lord that night surrounded by the family.

Mom was very strong during the funeral but she really missed dad. We all do. It's almost a year now and she still misses him. Whenever I call her, I can tell how she is doing. She has gone back to church and my sister takes her out a couple of times a week or visits her. Even now, she'll meet someone they both knew either while shopping or at church and they'll ask about dad. She has to tell them that dad passed away at the end of last year.

My dad was in heaven already when Noah went there. I hope they have meet.

It will be good that you will all be returning to WDW and GKTW.

I hope you have someone like a close friend or family member that you can share your feelings with. Someone who will just be there to listen to you. This blog is a good way to express yourself also.

I'll be keeping you and your family is my prayers. I wish I could be there in person to give you a hug.

God bless and love,
Gail

Gavin said...

i discovered your blogs last november after coming home from close friend mama of 3's funeral it has been a great blessing to me and our family have prayed for u all. Noah had amazing joy. Through his suffering he had joy and although i don't know u I promise that this can bring u to a place of amazing joy. We lost our youngest brother 3 years ago and the pain (as would know) was so physical i had trouble breathing and was in phy. pain long story short this made me press into God in a way I never had and one day about 3months after he died I felt Him say start thanking Me that your little brother died this I did for about 40minutes getting deep and deeper all the time till my shirt was wet with the tears then get waves of joy broke over me and amazing peace I was truly in the presence of the LORD ps16:11 now Im sad some times but healed of the terrible grief that I had. now we give thanks in all things until we break though to peace (sometimes you start with clenched teeth but you always get there in the end) I had 4 brothers and if people ask I still have 4 brothers god bless you all and I'll be praying -this IS a doorway its not one any of us would chose but He is the comforter and we will never know His comfort unless we need it

MouseTriper said...

Just thinking about you right now Nichole. Praying for you all.

beth

Anonymous said...

Hi Nichole,
Thanks for continuing to share your blog and feelings with us. We all truly appreciate it. Again, I can't imagine how you must feel. Please know that I pray for you and your family daily. I've never met you but oneday I plan to. I just wish I could give you a hug and even cry with you. Take all the time you need to grieve. Please know that there are so many people praying for you. There are so many people who love you as well (like me :)). Continue to seek comfort in the Lord.

Take care and God bless!
~Rissa

Anonymous said...

Nichole
I wish there were words that would give you some measure of peace or comfort. I don't have them. I do offer my prayers to our Lord for you and your family along with a wish that I could do more. I am so touched that you have allowed us to share this journey with you with the same openness you shared Noah's life.
Lydia

teresia benedicta&johanna anna said...

i read on a blog, that grief has not time-measurement...
i hope that you find your own time, your own way to grief for noah!

i pray that god will send you people comforting you like you need it!

leslie

Anonymous said...

Nichole, some may expect you to heal completely over a period of time, but the reality is that you have the right to grieve the loss of Noah for the rest of your life. I just hope and pray that over time the grief won't be so painful. My heart aches for you and I continue to pray for you and your family.

My devotions this morning included Romans 5:1-5. While reading this I thought of you. I hope it can be of some encouragement to you.

Terrilee Friesen (Rosenort, MB)

James(and)AnneMarie said...

It is very difficult to lose a child. Something I never thought of before because it has never happened around me.

We lost our first and only child at the time (2 years old) 8 months ago. It was so hard to have him to take care of and then to suddenly have nothing at all.

Now we have our second child who is only 1 month old. Having to balance the sadness of losing a child with the happiness of welcoming another has been a challenge. But we try to deal with our circumstance one day at a time.

We accidentally stumbled upon your blog by chance one day. It turned out to be a blessing. As you openly express your feelings of grief, it has helped me in the healing process as it is not easy for me to express myself to others. Your post on appearing normal has especially touched me.

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you can feel the prayers and love of those around you to help you through this difficult time. And me we add our prayers and support.

Sincerely,

Anne-Marie

Anonymous said...

I know. I lost the person I loved the most. And it does change you forever. Sometimes I think it's why we call it loss. You 'lose' a beloved person. And you also lose the loveliest and bravest parts of yourself. And it is annoying that to people who don't understand (and I think you can only understand once you have experienced a similar loss--not just any loss) it seems like we're going along normally. And I feel like there's a lot of pressure to figure out how to go on as if we weren't broken. I feel like the people who I identify with the most are the people lined up outside the soup kitchen. They look as broken as I feel. Often I think I'd like to go eat there.

ps: I have found it valuable to find friends who have experienced loss, too.