Thanksgiving is upon us...
...a holiday that we always seemed to spend within the walls of the hospital. For that reason, we have not really had much Thanksgiving celebration for years. And so it feels very strange to be at home today. This year we have decided to lay low once again and opt out of the traditional Thanksgiving activities.
I have to admit, I am having a difficult time mustering up a thankful heart this year.
It is hard to be thankful when all that surrounds me are reminders everything I no longer have. It is much easier to feel bitterness, anger and self pity.
But I am trying...
I know that today is not about feeling thankful...rather it is about a choice I have. A choice that does not come easy...a choice that must be made over and over again.
But with God's grace, and through the tears, I am reminded of all the blessings my Heavenly Father has given me. I have a wonderful husband, some very special friends, two amazing children here on earth, and I was blessed to be Noah's earthly mother, even if for only a short time...blessed with so many beautiful memories to treasure. And for that, I can be thankful.
On September 21/05 we were blessed with a beautiful son. Born with a chromosome 12q deletion (q15q21.2), the challenges were many...cleft lip/palate, complex feeding issues, developmental delays, failure to thrive, multiple infections, blood clots, asthma, sleep apnea, GI and pulmonary bleeds, TPN dependency and kidney issues. Noah embraced life and taught us how to love. On July 29/09, Noah's journey ended, leaving us on a new journey...this journey on the pathway of grief...
About Me
- Nichole
- I am mom to 3 beautiful children. I also work casual as a nurse. Our life is a crazy one, and nothing like we ever expected it would be. Yet, this journey has changed me and the way I view others. And it has helped us slow down and enjoy the most precious things in life. I wouldn't trade those lessons for anything.
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12 comments:
Oh Nichole, what poignant words you have shared with us today. When we can truly give thanks IN everything, despite our circumstances, God has promised us HIS PEACE, the peace that passes understanding. You are so right, it is a choice. Everyday. Grieving is hard work, but thank God, we have heaven and we have the cross. This world is only an imitation of what is to come. I love you so very much.Love om
Happy Thanksgiving Nichole! You may be having a hard time right now, but I'm praying for you. May God continue to bless you and your family.
~Rissa
Oh Nichole, thinking of you and your family. Praying for you always. I am so thankful that you shared Noah with all of us and that you continue to share your thoughts and feelings with us. God bless you all!
Hugs,
Beth
Nichole, I am thankful that you have chosen to be thankful for the people in your life; your husband, two beautiful and healthy children, good friends to help you through these dark days. Most of all, I am thankful that you still look to God for strength and comfort. I am thankful that we had almost 4 years with Noah as part of our family and that if he must be away from us, that we know where he is and will see him again. We missed you this weekend and continue to pray for you all. Love, Mom L.
I've been thinking about you a lot today and imagining how hard it must be to be thankful. You are right, it is a choice, even though it is a hard choice. You (and I) do have many things to be thankful for...and I for one am very thankful that over 10 years ago we met as roommates (who rarely spoke to each other), then "met" again as we were in the same small group and how our friendship has blossomed through having children near the same ages,spending time together just the two of us and many times together with our families. This friendship of ours has seen much and has grown even more...so rich and real. And so today, my nearest and dearest friend, I am blessed by you and so very thankful for you...
I've been thinking of the tough job you have of reconciling the hurts in your heart, and the rationale of your head. So much easier to move forward in your head, but the heart does not want to catch up :( No one would want you to be artificial - just be the beautiful person God made you to be, hurts and all. Praying His spirit to whisper hope and comfort into all your needful moments.
Cheryl
Nichole,
I read a book to my students last week called "The Secret of Giving (or Saying) Thanks". It is written by Douglas Wood and is beautiful. It reminds me of so much when I feel so deep in my grief.
It says that we do not give thanks because we are happy, but that we are happy because we give thanks.
I try to remember that it is okay to be happy for the things I have that I am grateful for. But I feel so guilty for my sadness and for my thankfulness.
Prayer helps. I continue to pray for you.
Julia
I'm praying for you.
Just wanted you to know I am still praying for you every day!
Hi Nichole,
I paused before writing anything as it brings back so many memories of my own. No one could have ever prepared me for the grieving experience - I had lost grandparents before but the loss of a child is such a different grief. And you're right - it takes months or years and is different for everyone. I'm so glad that you have this blog. Sharing your feelings and all of your posts are a great insight for those of us that haven't experienced a grief such as yours and the way you explain the mourning clothes - what a perfect way to explain it. It makes total sense. God has blessed you with such a tender heart and a wonderful way to write and share your heart and hurts and I'm so thankful that you have this blog to share and write about your grief. I did some journalling for my own grief journey. The journal, "I'll hold you in heaven" was what I used. You are blessing all of us by being able to share your thoughts and help people understand and walk you through this part of your life. Lots of love and prayers as you continue to miss Noah every minute of every day.
Love your WBI friend,
Anita
Just stopping by to let you know that I'm praying for you and your family.
Love you all!
~Rissa
Nichole, thank you for visiting and commenting on my blog today. I'm so sorry to hear that you're walking the same sad road. Your Noah was a cutie. Hang in there.
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