Saturday, August 29, 2009

One Month

Today marks one month since we lost our Noah, although it feels like yesterday. We are all so very lost...the reality that Noah is really gone sinks in a bit more each day. I have tried to write this post many times over this morning, but my words are all a jumbled mess and it's hard to see through the tears. There is no way to accurately describe what I am feeling...what we are all feeling. "How are you?" is the question we get asked a million times over. How can we ever answer that question? Usually we give the pat "I'm ok" answer. But the truth...the truth is that, no, we are not ok...I can't imagine ever being ok again. Everyday is a huge challenge...everyday there are more reminders, more things that we miss. How can we be ok when a huge piece of our hearts was ripped out and buried deep in the ground?

Our whole world crumbled in a moment and yet life continues on around us as if nothing has changed. The sun still rises, the birds still sing, plans are still made.

Life goes on.

But for us, life will never be the same. We've heard some comments that now our lives can get back to "normal". I have to chuckle at that. The thing is, that the past 4 years was our normal. Yes, it was a precarious life, a life that was not envied by others. But we were good at that life. We loved that life. We learned how to roll with the punches, how to cope in the busyness. We'd do it all and more in a heartbeat, just to have our Noah back. For we got back SO much more than we ever gave. I hate our new normal...that this is now our reality. That our sunny little boy, who never held back his unconditional love, ceases to exist here on earth.

Yes, life goes on.

But for us, it will never be as full, as bright as it was with Noah.

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

I know that today will be a hard day for you, it is the first of many firsts. Our hearts ache for you. We love you and are praying...Mom

nicole said...

we love you. we are praying for you.

Jules and Danny said...

Nichole,

I can't imagine that your life will ever return to "normal", but there will come a point when you will learn how to live in the "new normal" your life will become with time.

I pray that it becomes easier to live with the hole that Noah has left in all of your lives. And that you will always remember the joy that Noah brought to all your lives every day during his short life!

I cannot imagine your pain, but I and many others join in the sadness at your loss.

We continue to hold you in our prayers,
Julia

LInda (khalana) said...

I am so sorry that you're having to live even a moment without your precious Noah... Prayers and hugs coming from us.

Anonymous said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you today and always. I thank you for being so honest. Our prayers continue for you and your family.
Myrna Dyck

Anonymous said...

I'm so very sorry Nichole. Wishing so much that things were different, that this was not your reality, that we could do something. But we know there is nothing we can do to "fix" this. And so we pray ... for strength to get out of bed and get through each day, to do the things that need to be done as life carries on, and for the Lord to make his love and comfort known to you in each difficult moment. We love you.
Heather

Just Breathe said...

My heart goes out to you. ((HUGS))

Anonymous said...

What is "normal" anyway? It's a word that gets used so much I don't think it actually exists. I pray that you continue to have good support around your family from extended family & friends. If you need to know what a "new normal" is there are support groups in the city that can help you find that. "Normal" is crying until you want to join Noah. "Normal" is wanting to throw things against the wall. "Normal" is wanting to yell at the top of your lungs. "Normal" is wanting to fill that hole with something and searching continually to find what it might be. Thankfully Jesus is there to carry you through these "normals" and change them, grow them, into something else, something that you never imagined it could be.

Praying for you.

Jamie said...

You said it so well. The worst with Noah was still better than the best without him.
Thinking of you today...

kimmylaj said...

{hugs}
i too have a difficult time finding the words, knowing how to comfort you. just know once again that your little boy touched my heart, brought joy to my days (even though i never met him) and revealed to me how very important and powerful prayer can be. thank you one thousand times over for sharing with us. i am here to listen, i dont know even a tiny bit of what you are going thru, but i will listen, i promise . feel free to share how you are feeling, there are plenty of us here who would love to help in anyway we can. we have an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on.

Kim said...

My heart aches for you and your family. Praying for you all...and loving you the best we can.

Anonymous said...

Oh Nichole, my heart is breaking for you, your husband and your children. The pain you are feeling is a pain no parent should ever have to feel.
Someday I pray you will find joy again, Noah gave that joy and love to you every moment of his life don't let it die with him.
Kristie

MouseTriper said...

Dear Nichole,

I am so sorry for all the pain you are going through with losing your sweet Noah. He was truly an amazing little boy with a smile to melt all hearts. I wish I could have met Noah, but even though I didn't, my life has been forever changed, thanks to him...and you too. For that, I will be eternally grateful.

I check your blog everyday to see if you have posted more stories, pictures or video of your sweet Noah. I love seeing Noah's sweet smile and the videos...oh how I love the videos you have posted. I hope and pray that you will continue to share your precious son with all of us. Noah is an inspiration to me...just as you are, thank you Nichole!

Wishing I could just give you a hug and let you know I care!

Your friend,
Beth

laura.h said...

I'm so amazed at your honesty and transparency Nichole! It is so true that life will never be the same for your family. Noah is gone and it is just so heartbreaking. I am praying for you in that heartbreak. We love you guys.
Laura

Anonymous said...

crying with you today
Erica

Alison (twinmum) said...

Offering my prayers that He will give you strength to face each day. May your memory of all the blessings Noah brought to your lives offer you some comfort.

Please know that we are thinking of you, and sending virtual hugs your way.

Alison

Anonymous said...

Dear Lord, I pray that you will wrap your arms around Nichole and her family. Please give them strength, peace, and comfort that can only come from you. Let them feel your nearness every moment of every day. Fill the void in their broken hearts with the fullness of you. Amen.

Anonymous said...

I will leift some prayers for you and your family.

I happened upon your blog on disboards. You guys are amazing parents. A dear friend of mine from college lost her daughter recently as well and writes a very inspiring blog. I felt as if I was being led to share it with you. http://joyslittlesoapbox.blogspot.com

Maybe it will help.
-Erin

Pete and Brenda said...

Our heart aches for you, we cannot even imagine how you are aching. We pray for strength for you daily, even if it's just enough strength for the basic daily necessities that your children need. Gradually, you will get more strength, and by God's grace, you will continue to live life, with a different normal, which right now, maybe you don't even want to think about, but in God's time, it will happen, and He will be right there with you EVERY step of the way! Thank you Nicole for your incredible honesty! Noah was so blessed to have you as his mommy! Take comfort in God's peace! Praying for you daily!

Pete and Brenda said...

Our heart aches for you, we cannot even imagine how you are aching. We pray for strength for you daily, even if it's just enough strength for the basic daily necessities that your children need. Gradually, you will get more strength, and by God's grace, you will continue to live life, with a different normal, which right now, maybe you don't even want to think about, but in God's time, it will happen, and He will be right there with you EVERY step of the way! Thank you Nicole for your incredible honesty! Noah was so blessed to have you as his mommy! Take comfort in God's peace! Praying for you daily!

Anonymous said...

Nichole, I'm not even going to say that I understand what you're going through because I don't. I can tell you that I pray for your entire family daily.

I come to your blog daily looking at the previous pictures and videos that you've posted of Noah. I loved his smile! Oh and his hair..too cute :). I know you miss him and I'm sorry he's no longer here with you guys, but you know he's smiling down at your all.

Loving you all and sending hugs from Charlotte, NC.

Take care and God bless!

~Rissa

Anonymous said...

1 month...wow....
and to be honest: it doesn't feel like a month for me either...

i'm so sorry and you know what? there is no such thing like "normal", never!

praying for you!
leslie

The Keowns said...

thinking and praying for you today

MouseTriper said...

Nichole....I just wanted you to know that my prayers for all of you continue.

Beth

Lexi said...

I cannot imagine how you are feeling. I have never lost someone that close to me. Please know that so many people are thinking of you and your family and praying the best for you! Like I have said before, Noah's Journey has touched so many lives, mine included, that all we can do is look back and say "Job well done!" Noah was brought on this earth for a reason. To show that miracles do happen. Reading over your entries, there were some times when your faith, and others faith, were tested but you never gave up hope and you turned to God in those circumstances and he came through. God picked you and your family for a reason and he gave you that bundle of joy for 4 wonderful years! You all are an inspiration to us all.