One Month

Today marks one month since we lost our Noah, although it feels like yesterday. We are all so very lost...the reality that Noah is really gone sinks in a bit more each day. I have tried to write this post many times over this morning, but my words are all a jumbled mess and it's hard to see through the tears. There is no way to accurately describe what I am feeling...what we are all feeling. "How are you?" is the question we get asked a million times over. How can we ever answer that question? Usually we give the pat "I'm ok" answer. But the truth...the truth is that, no, we are not ok...I can't imagine ever being ok again. Everyday is a huge challenge...everyday there are more reminders, more things that we miss. How can we be ok when a huge piece of our hearts was ripped out and buried deep in the ground?

Our whole world crumbled in a moment and yet life continues on around us as if nothing has changed. The sun still rises, the birds still sing, plans are still made.

Life goes on.

But for us, life will never be the same. We've heard some comments that now our lives can get back to "normal". I have to chuckle at that. The thing is, that the past 4 years was our normal. Yes, it was a precarious life, a life that was not envied by others. But we were good at that life. We loved that life. We learned how to roll with the punches, how to cope in the busyness. We'd do it all and more in a heartbeat, just to have our Noah back. For we got back SO much more than we ever gave. I hate our new normal...that this is now our reality. That our sunny little boy, who never held back his unconditional love, ceases to exist here on earth.

Yes, life goes on.

But for us, it will never be as full, as bright as it was with Noah.