Monday, August 10, 2009

The Weight of You

There is a hole the size of the grand canyon in our home and our hearts. The "why"s, "what if"s, "should have"s and "could have"s never end. It hurts to breathe...

So much that I miss...

I miss your sweet disposition...the sunshine in our days...the way your eyes would disappear when you smiled...watching you bum scoot down the hall...untangling your tubes for the millionth time each day...picking up the tupperware left in your wake...hooking up your pumps every night...the smell of your hair just freshly washed.

I miss the sounds of you...your belly laugh...hearing you call out "mama"...your cry...the sound of your bucket trailing after you...the soothing sounds of pumps..the harsh middle of the night beeps...the gentle swoosh of the oxygen concentrator.

But it's the weight of you that I miss the most. I can look at pictures...I can listen to the videos of your laughter...I can still smell you in the last sleeper you ever wore...I can even still turn on the pumps for a moment, just to hear their familiar sounds. But my mind can no longer conjure up the weight of you. The feel of you in my arms...your tiny hands clinging to my shirt as I carry you.

I miss you.

27 comments:

Kim said...

Oh Nichole...I have no words for you so I will pray for you...loving you all,
Kim

Anonymous said...

Nichole. I can't even pretend to understand how you feel. I just hope your faith in God helps you to get through the days ahead and knowing that no matter how many what if's and could have's that you think of...you did your absolute best for your son, and don't ever doubt yourselves as parents. There is no one, on this planet that could have done a better job. God gave you Noah because He believes that you are the perfect mother for him and you are. Noah will live on in all of our hearts, always
April (buttercup).

the Pineview Froese's said...

Nichole,

Just to say that I cried with you this morning. We will keep praying for you and your family.

Angela (& Nathan) Froese

nicole said...

May the Lord touch your broken heart today, and even if it's just for a moment, may you feel peace.

Anonymous said...

Nichole & Brad,

This brings back so many feelings of my own. My story is not the exact same as yours - only in the part of losing a child. If there's anything I can do to help - an email, a suggested website, an eletronic hug? a phone call? - don't hesitate to email me: ajanzengemmell@bdo.ca
My heart goes out to the both of you. When you lose a child, it is so hard to comprehend the feelings of grief - even to those of us that have lost a child - because each life story is so different. And hardly anyone knows what to say. Please take this email in the kindness and sincerity that I mean it - I don't mean to say anything to upset you but know that I grieve and cry with you guys and my heart aches and hurts for the both of you and your kids.
Your WBI friend,
Anita Janzen-Gemmell

Anonymous said...

Nichole, I'm praying for you all. I've cried everyday since I read about Noah earning his wings. I've never met you, but have been inspired by your strength and faith. I've called you my SHERO once before-but you have no idea. And your sweet Noah. I can't thank you enough for sharing his life and his story with so many of us. His smile was truly one of a kind and his hair-I LOVED IT :). I pray that you find comfort and peace in the Lord during this time.

Love you all so very much.

Hugs from Charlotte, NC!

~Rissa and family

Anonymous said...

Nichole, Brad, and kids,

Our prayers are with you today. May God's open arms grant you peace and comfort.

Tami (Disboard Wish tripper from TX-tastycollector)

Lexi said...

My heart breaks for your family!! Still thinking of you all!

Jamie said...

My heart is aching. Thinking of you constantly and wishing there was some way that you wouldn't have to walk this road.

Janice said...

:(

Amber Greenawalt said...

thinking about you everday --from charlotte...sending you love, amber

Linda (khalana) said...

Words just aren't enough... I am so so so sorry.

Verna said...

my heart aces for your loss... God be with you and comfort you when no other can.

Alison said...

Continuing to pray that God would hold you in His everlasting Arms. There is nothing on earth that can comfort you so I am praying God will........

The Keowns said...

continuely praying

Lisa said...

there are no words that I feel that I can offer you at such a sad sorrowful time in your life. You have helped me to appreciate my children even more than I did before. Continue to love your children, hug them, cry with them, and I pray that your healing will begin.
Be well,
Lisa :)

Christie Tuttosi said...

My whole body just hurts for you...but I am lifted by the thoughts of Noah running and giggling hysterically in Heaven...with our precious Jesus in hot pursuit. God is good, even when we can't understand.

Alison (twinmum) said...

Oh Nichole, your pain is so raw - I've cried with you each day since I learned of Noah's earning his angel wings, and I cried with you again when I read your post. If only we could share some of the burden of your pain with you. I pray that your faith in God will sustain you and that God will help you find some peace. As others have said here, we cannot even begin to know the hurt you are feeling, but how we want you to know that we are thinking of you all constantly.

After I read your post, I went right back upstairs to my sleeping children and thanked God for our little miracles. May we treasure each day with them the way you have treasured Noah, your gift from God.

Alison

MouseTriper said...

Oh Nichole, I am so very sorry. Hearing all the things you miss about Noah just brought me to tears. My heart breaks for your loss. I am praying for you all.

Beth

Anonymous said...

Our hearts ache for you.
We are holding you up in prayer and love.
Lydia
BC

Pete and Brenda said...

Oh Nicole, my heart aches deeply for you, there are just no words. We continue to pray for you all...
Brenda

kimmylaj said...

my heart breaks for you . i cant even begin to imagine your pain. the only thing that i can say is how sorry i am and let you know that i was one of many touched by Noah. thank you , thank you for sharing your precious, sweet boy with me and many.

Wenona said...

My heart hurts so much for you. I can't even begin to imagine...
I don't think there is anything we can say to dull that ache, but just rest knowing that there are so many prayer warriors holding you and your family up.

The Hines Family said...

I remember feeling the exact same way with Zeke. I remember just wanting to hold him again. As always, praying for you.

Kristen said...

When Georgie died I too wrote about missing the weight of her. I don't pretend to know exactly how you're feeling as my little passed at 6 months but I can relate. My heart aches with you and I will say a prayer for you tonight that you may continue to find the strength to carry on.

Anonymous said...

Know that there are prayer warriors standing for your family. There are a host of mighty angels, not only with Noah, but flooding your home. They are at the beckon call of God to shield you, and keep you safe. Remember that GOD is your defender, your shield and your protector.Psalm 91

Anonymous said...

What a beautiful tribute you wrote - you are such a wonderful mother.
God bless you & keep you in the difficult time.