3 Months

I still have absolutely no idea how to live without my boy.

I miss him more each day.

And yet time marches on...

God's Garden

God looked around his garden
And found an empty place
He then looked down upon the earth
And saw your tired face.
He knew that you were suffering
He knew you were in pain
He knew that you would never
Get well on earth again.
He saw the road was getting rough
And the hills were hard to climb.
So he closed your weary eyelids
And whispered ‘Peace be Thine’.
He put his arms around you
And lifted you to rest.
God’s garden must be beautiful
He always takes the best.
It broke our hearts to loose you
But you didn’t go alone,
For part of us went with you
That day God called you home.
Anonymous

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is upon us...

...a holiday that we always seemed to spend within the walls of the hospital. For that reason, we have not really had much Thanksgiving celebration for years. And so it feels very strange to be at home today. This year we have decided to lay low once again and opt out of the traditional Thanksgiving activities.


I have to admit, I am having a difficult time mustering up a thankful heart this year.

It is hard to be thankful when all that surrounds me are reminders everything I no longer have. It is much easier to feel bitterness, anger and self pity.

But I am trying...


I know that today is not about feeling thankful...rather it is about a choice I have. A choice that does not come easy...a choice that must be made over and over again.


But with God's grace, and through the tears, I am reminded of all the blessings my Heavenly Father has given me. I have a wonderful husband, some very special friends, two amazing children here on earth, and I was blessed to be Noah's earthly mother, even if for only a short time...blessed with so many beautiful memories to treasure. And for that, I can be thankful.

The soul would have no rainbow if the eyes had no tears.

John Vance Cheney

Noah, did you know I needed to see this yesterday??

Normal

Strange, how in the eyes of those who do not know, our family now looks so "normal" on the outside.

I feel anything but normal...

I'm beginning to think our society has this grief thing all wrong. The first few days of grief is so public. Then the funeral is over and everyone goes home and gets back to their own lives. The cards, phone calls and visits become fewer and fewer. And somehow we are expected to pick up the pieces and begin to move on from this place.

But loss changes a person. I am different...forever changed. And I have yet to know what to do with that.

I am beginning to understand why other cultures wear mourning clothes, or noticable items to identify themselves as a bereaved person. The importance of showing others that you have suffered a great loss makes a great deal of sense. Some wear their grief for months...sometimes years. It must make it easier to enter back into society, knowing that there is no need to hide your loss. That everyone knows just with once glance how very fragile you are...that you are a long ways from "normal". And that you can easily identify with others who are also suffering their own losses.

Despite how simple it now is, leaving the comfort of home is difficult these days. Strange to have nothing to pack up...no appointments, meds, feeds or TPN to plan around. Strange to be out in public and not have the looks or the questions...no strangers drawn to us by Noah's contagious smiles. The normalacy of it all screams in my ears...oh how I miss it!