New Year's Resolutions

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS FOR BEREAVED PARENTS

I Resolve:

That I will grieve as much and for as long as I feel like grieving, and that I will not let others put a time table on my grief.

That I will grieve in whatever way I feel like grieving, and I will ignore those who try to tell me what I should or should not be feeling and how I should or should not be behaving.

That I will cry whenever and wherever I feel like crying, and that I will not hold back my tears just because someone else feels I should be "brave" or "getting better" or "healing by now."

That I will talk about my child as often as I want to, and that I will not let others turn me off just because they can't deal with their own feelings.

That I will not expect family and friends to know how I feel, understanding that one who has not lost a child cannot possibly know how I feel.

That I will not blame myself for my child's death, and I will constantly remind myself that I did the best job of parenting I could possibly have done. But when feelings of guilt are overwhelming, I will remind myself that this is a normal part of the grief process and it will pass.

That I will not be afraid or ashamed to seek professional help if I feel it is necessary.

That I will commune with my child at least once a day in whatever way feels comfortable and natural to me, and that I won't feel compelled to explain this communion to others or to justify or even discuss it with them.

I will keep the truth in my heart--the truth that my child is always with me in spirit.

That I will try to eat, sleep, and exercise every day in order to give my body strength it will need to help me cope with my grief.

To know that I am not losing my mind and I will remind myself that loss of memory, feelings of disorientation, lack of energy, and a sense of vulnerability are all a normal part of the grief process.

To know that I will heal, even though it will take a long time.

To let myself heal and not feel guilty about not feeling better sooner.

To remind myself that the grief process is circuitous--that is, I will not make steady upward progress. And when I find myself slipping back into the old moods of despair and depression, I will tell myself that "slipping backward" is also a normal part of the mourning process, and that these moods, too, will pass.

To try to be happy about something for some part of every day, knowing that at first, I may have to force myself to think cheerful thoughts so eventually they can become a habit.

That I will reach out at times and try to help someone else, knowing that helping others will help me to get over my depression.

That even though my child is dead, I will opt for life, knowing that is what my child would want me to do.

~From the Brooksville/Spring Hill FL. TCF Newsletter

Goodbye 2009

It's been a difficult year to let go of...

moving on into 2010...

a year that holds no memories of Noah...a year without my sunny boy.

I'd much rather hang onto 2009...the good, the bad and the ugly...

for 2009 knows my son.

5 Months

5 months today...


Wishing it wasn't so...

Christmas

Another first...

Christmas without Noah...

What can I say...

Unfortunately, we do not have many good Christmas memories with Noah. Most of the holidays were spent either in hospital, or things were heading in that direction. By the time New Years rolled around, we were always inpatient. The holidays have been stressful times over the past few years, last year being the worst. And so this year we can be thankful...thankful that Noah does not need to lie in an ICU bed for Christmas...that he is free to celebrate...what could be better than Christmas in heaven??

And yet, selfishly, I desperately long to be sitting in that ICU room...I would give up a thousand more Christmases...for then our boy would still be alive. Everything we do without Noah feels hollow and empty. I imagine it will always be that way...as a part of me will forever be missing on this earth.

Merry Christmas my sweet boy. I miss you so much...everyday.

Back to the Deep Freeze

We have been back home for a few days now. Our trip went well, and despite the strangeness of it all, we had a good time. So many reminders there of Noah...the little ukulele in Ron Jon surf shop that I so desperately wished I had a reason to buy...meeting Tigger at breakfast...riding the carousel...Christmas at GKTW...watching Wishes fireworks...the list is endless. But we made many new memories...did alot of things we were unable to do last time...enjoyed the sun, the ocean, the food, and the infectious happiness that is Disney...very bittersweet. It really was a nice break from everything, which made it tough to come back...not only to the winter cold, but back to reality...back to our empty home...back to all the reminders of what we no longer have.
Since coming home we've been very busy...thrown right into the Christmas season with concerts, parties and now frantic last minute shopping. Busy enough that I have not had much of a chance to think about what Christmas will be like this year. But the reminders are constant...one less stocking to hang...the train set that sits in our garage, which I had already bought for Noah...no worries about spending another Christmas in hospital, but wishing more than anything that we were there. Thank you to the girls in our small group who have showered me with some fun gifts and an encouraging card for each day of this difficult month. Thank you so much for your support and for recognizing how tough this time of year would be.

4 Months

It was 4 months on Sunday.

We were able to spend the day at GKTW...tracked down Noah's star, rode the carousel and enjoyed their Candyland party. Unfortunately his paving stone was not done yet, which was disappointing...but another excuse to come back again! It felt a bit out of place being at GKTW...like we were no longer part of the "sick kids club". And I couldn't help but feel so very jealous of all those families who still had their children to enjoy.

Our days spent at the ocean were wonderfully relaxing. There is just something about the ocean that is so peaceful and healing. I could stay there for a very long time. We are now in the World, enjoying the Caribbean Beach resort which is beautiful and eating a ridiculous amount of food on the free dining plan. We are enjoying ourselves and spend many moments talking about the things Noah loved or would have loved here in Disney. There are difficult moments of course...a million reminders each day of how different our lives are now...things are far too simple. But there are happy times too and I am so glad that we came.

Off to See the World

These days we are all slowly hobbling along, looking for ways to fill our days and lessen the ache and longing for our old life back. Lately we've kept busy catching up on many things that have been neglected around here for so long. We've done the rounds of maintenance appointments for everyone...optomotrist, doctor, dentist (this one needed a couple of rounds), othodontist (yes, both kids are going to need this), H1N1 shots, and all the puppy shots. And now it's time to get away for a bit.

For a couple of months now we've been making some plans. We've all been feeling the desire to escape, and when thinking about where we should go, the answer was obvious. Back to Disney, which holds so many fond memories for us. And back to visit Give Kids the World...to see Noah's new paving stone, to find his star, to ride the carousel and remember him. It has given the kids something to focus on and look forward to and something for me to fill my time obsessively planning. So in a few days we are off to see the world.


Now that it is upon us, I have very mixed emotions. It has been difficult to try and pack for the four of us, and have absolutely no idea how to even begin without a million medical supplies. And to book our dining reservations for a family of four, instead of five. So why go back to a place that holds so many memories? I'm not sure...all I know is that my heart does not want to be anywhere that Noah is not. It desires to be surrounded by him, and very few places hold as many happy memories for our family as Disney. After such an emotional trip in February, I expect that this one will be even more so. But I am hoping and praying that there will be more smiles than sorrow...more happy tears than sad. A time to remember and also to make new memories.

The Ugly Monster

Anger...

It has a way of creeping up out of nowhere and rearing it's ugly head. Every grief book I've read and every website I've visited talks about anger. And yet, no one likes to talk about it. In my head I know that most of my anger is unfounded, but it seems I can still find many things to be angry about lately...

Anger at the hospital...things I wish had been done differently during those last few days. For all the time in Toronto...putting Noah through that major surgery, only to have him die two weeks after we get home. It all just seems like such a waste.

Anger at the system...at the speech therapist who called the other day to begin therapy with Noah...something I had been fighting for years to get and could never make any headway. Or for the letter we opened last week from the geneticist at Sick Kids, requesting further bloodwork on Noah.

Anger at myself...for not being a perfect mother...for making mistakes.

Anger at those around me...for calling...for not calling...for trying to "fix" me...or not saying anything at all...for being able to move forward, while I am stuck in the past.

And yes, anger at God...for allowing this all to happen...for not stepping in and saving the day after all my pleading...for not answering the "why's". For the unfairness of it all...

I appreciate these words from The Compassionate Friends website which helps me put things into perspective...

"Anger is but one of many emotional reactions to the painful reality of death. It is important to recognize anger as a natural, human response. If we can allow ourselves to be aggravated, irritated, even angered, by relatively minor life disappointments, we are certainly entitled to feel angry when faced with one of life's most devastating experiences — the death of a child. Anger is not chosen, however, whether to remain angry, to refuse to surrender it or to resolve it ....is a choice."

It's a nasty emotion...this ugly monster...

I don't choose anger...but still it finds me.

I can see how easy it would be to allow myself to drown in it for awhile...to remain in that place. Thankfully, the moments of intense anger are fleeting, and end up overpowered by huge waves of grief, leaving a great empty sadness in it's wake.

Hold My Heart

"...One tear in the driving rain,

One voice in a sea of pain

Could the maker of the stars

Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life, that's all I am

Right now I can barely stand

If You're everything You say You are

Would You come close and hold my heart..."

Tenth Avenue North

Hold My Heart

Halloween

Another holiday usually spent in hospital...

It is still so odd to be home for all of these things...to know there is not an ER visit lurking around the corner. As frustrating as it was to spend so many of these moments away from home, it pales in comparison to this...this gaping hole left by our little Tigger this year. So many of our precious memories are wrapped up in the hospital. And days like this, I find myself missing the place and the people who worked so hard to help us make wonderful memories there.

And so we try our best to make new memories...but we all feel the longing for the part of us that will always be missing...Our special "Tigger" pumpkin...