Mothers Day

What to do with this holiday...a holiday that celebrates motherhood...where everywhere you look, there are reminders of what can no longer be.


This holiday has kind of creeped up on me, but now that it is here, I can't help feeling so very lost and so very, very empty.

In my googling last night, I came across this interesting tidbit..."in the US, Mother’s Day started with a proclamation written by Julia Ward Howe. She called for a gathering of women to mourn the sons killed in the civil war and protest the futility of “their sons killing the sons of other mothers”. It wasn’t until 1962 that it became the hallmark celebration of commercialization that we have today." Somehow it made me feel better to read this...to know that this very commercialized holiday began like this...with mothers, like myself, gathering together, mourning the loss of their sons. I appreciate that it has grown into a day to honour mothers, but a day such as this also brings with it much sorrow to so many of us.


Today, I think of my own mother. I am so very thankful for her and for the support she has been to us all during these past years. I love you Mom!!


I think of my friends, and the wonderful mothers that I am privileged to know, and how I often marvel at their "supermom" skills.


But most of all today, I think of those who, like myself, woke up this morning unsure of what to do with this day...with the bittersweet experience of celebrating motherhood with their children...yet at the same time, mourning the loss of being able to mother all of our children here on earth.


I miss my little Noah...


I miss being known as "Noah's mom"...


I miss everything that being Noah's mom encompassed.


I hate that I am no longer able to do the job of mothering my boy here on earth, but in my heart, I will always be "Noah's mom". And no one can ever take that away from me.


So on this day, when it just plain hurts to do anything else, I will choose not to focus on what could have been. Instead, I choose to focus on the incredible gift I was given in mothering this beautiful child. I marvel that I was chosen for this task, and I would do it all again in a heartbeat...for that's just what mom's do. And I mourn for those who will never in their lifetime experience a joy such as our Noah.

9 Months

9 months...
9 months we waited for our son...from the moment we knew of his existence on this earth, to his birth.

Now, 9 months has passed since his soul left this earth...

On the outside I think I look like I am doing ok. I have taken on a new job recently, a job which hits very close to home and emotionally is tough...but I can't imagine a place I would enjoy more and it is the perfect job for me in every way. I have also taken up running again...this has become my therapy. But on the inside, I am still so very fragile...one moment I will be ok, feeling like I am strong enough to handle this...the very next moment I am blindsided by a scent, a sound, a memory that I had pushed aside.

The rest of the family is keeping themselves busy as well and we are all finding ways to fill the days. Kailyn still struggles with sleeping issues, but they are slowly improving with time. On a side note: to the person who is responsible for the delivery of a single white rose to Brad's office on the 29th of each month, thank you!! We do not know who you are, but the gesture is so appreciated!!

Dancing With The Angels

Memories surround me
But sadness has found me
I’d do anything for more time
Never before has someone meant more
And I can’t get you out of my mind

There is so much that I don’t understand
But I know

You’re dancing with the angels
Walking in new life
You’re dancing with the angels
Heaven fills your eyes
Now that you’re dancing with the angels

You had love for your family
Love for all people
Love for the Father, and Son
Your heart will be heard
In you unspoken words
Through generations to come

There is so much that I don’t understand
But I know

You're dancing with the angels

Walking in new life

You're dancing with the angels

Heaven fills your eyes

Now that you're dancing with the angels

We’re only here for such a short time
So I’m gonna stand up
Shout out
And sing Hallelujah
One day I’ll see you again

I will be dancing with the angels

Walking in new life

I'm dancing with the angels

Heaven will fill our eyes

When we're dancing with the angels

When we're dancing with the angels

Monk & Neagle ~ Dancing with the Angels

Easter 2010

We spent the Easter weekend away, attending a wedding...a beautiful way to celebrate a holiday fill of hope and promise. Another holiday "first" behind us. I wish I knew what to do with this huge void...this empty space in our lives...in everything we do. I will never get used to this...nor would I want to... Wishing we could be celebrating with you, Noah.

8 Months

8 months later and it is still so fresh...so raw. I desperately miss my joy, my sunshine...

Grief is a tidal wave that over takes you,
smashes down upon you with unimaginable force,
sweeps you up into its darkness,
where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces,
only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped...
Grief will make a new person out of you,
if it doesn't kill you in the making.
Stephanie Ericsson I have become quite skilled at putting on the mask. But inside I am still tumbling and crashing...

Held

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
We'd be held

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This is what it means to be held.....

Natalie Grant ~ Held

7 Months

I thought this month perhaps I might feel different...no 29 on the calendar to throw me off. We were able to spend the weekend with friends in Vegas where I was able to laugh like I haven't laughed in a very long time. Definately a good thing. And yet, still it hits me like a ton of bricks, leaving me reeling. I find myself back in that PICU room all over again...feels as if it were yesterday. I ache for my boy...

Don't be mad if I cry

It just hurts so bad sometimes

'Cause everyday it's sinking in

And I have to say goodbye all over again

You know I bet it feels good

To have the weight of this world

Off your shoulders now

I'm dreaming of the day

When I'm finally there with you

Save a place for me, save a place for me

I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

Save a place for me, save some grace for me

I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

I have asked the questions why

But I guess the answer's for another time

So instead I'll pray with every tear

And be thankful for the time I had you here

So you just, save a place for me, save a place for me

I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

Save a place for me, save some grace for me

I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

I wanna live my life just like you did

And make the most of my time just like you did

And I wanna make my home up in the sky

Just like you did, oh, but until I get there

Until I get there

Just save a place for me, save a place for me

'Cause I will be there soon

Save a place for me, save a place for me

I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

Don't be mad if I cry

It just hurts so bad

Matthew West - Save A Place for Me

This New Road

"One of the things so astonishing and costly about losing a loved one is that, while the sun continues to rise and set, newspapers continue to be delivered, traffic lights still change from red to green and back again, our whole life is turned around, turned upside down.

Is it any wonder we feel disoriented, confused? yet the people we pass on the street are going about their business as though no one's world has been shaken to the core, as though the earth has not opened and swallowed us up, dropped us into a world of insecurity and change.

It will take us time to learn to walk this new road. Time, and a lot of help, so we don't stumble and fall irretrievably. Those who have had their own experiences of loss will probably be our most helpful guides - knowing when to say the right word, when to be silent and walk beside us, when to reach out and take our hand. In time, we will be helpers for others.

I have entered a new country. I will be patient with myself. I will look for companions of the way."

Healing after Loss - Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief by Martha Whitmore Hickman

Today my heart is heavy...another family is just starting down this new road and will bury their son today. This is a special family to me, who were in Toronto hospital while we were there, and helped make my time there so much more bearable. I got a kick out of how Ethan loved to compare tubes and meds with Noah. My thoughts are prayers are with you today and in the days ahead.

Another beautiful spirit gone so soon...another backpack left at the pearly gates...

http://www2.caringbridge.org/canada/ethanjakob/index.htm

6 Months

Another day...another milestone...

Can it really be half a year since our world turned upside down?? Half a year sounds so long, yet often it feels like just yesterday that I held Noah, or heard his infectious giggle, or picked up the tupperware off the floor for the millionth time. I'm sure some days I still here Noah dragging his pumps across the floor.

A couple of weeks ago another boy we met at the Oley Conference lost his battle. I was able to attend his service online (thank God for the wonders of the internet). At the service someone talked about the image they had of that young man standing at heaven's gates, and dropping his backpack (his TPN backpack that was such a part of him), leaving it behind at the gate as he entered heaven. I love to think of Noah doing the same. Knowing that he no longer needs those things does bring some comfort. Kailyn decided there must be quite a pile of backpacks there already.

Someone asked me when the pain of this intense grief becomes manageable. It made me stop and think. And I realized that, yes, somewhere in this time, the pain has become more manageable. No, I don't miss him any less, the pain will always, always be there, and many days the aching of my empty arms is still so very intense. But I am slowly finding ways to put one foot in front of the other...to put meaning to it all...to begin to figure out how to live this new life without my son.

Bedtime Prayers

"Dear God, I pray that Noah's having a good time in heaven..."

Joshua's bedtime prayer, every single night.